The Sports Cynic: Penalties… You Are A Harlot…

Denver and Oakland prove that penalties hurt them, but make me laugh so much.

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

Oh penalties… you are a cruel whore.  Ok ok, those are harsh words.  I'm not talking about the bad kind of whore.  Well, maybe bad for the guy involved, but I'm just the onlooking friend, secretly reveling in my close friend's foolishness.  It's not like the kind of whore that removes your kidney so she can make $50.  Unless you're the Oakland Raiders and then yes, penalties are that kind of whore.  I digress.

For those of you that were as dumb as me and thought that watching Part Deux of the Monday Night Football double header on ESPN was a good idea, after watching Tom Brady break a record throwing for 517 yards and combining with Miami QB Chad Henne for a NFL record-breaking 906 net yards in passing, then you enjoyed a prime example of absolutely terrible football.

After the Dolphins and Patriots broke amazing offensive records, the Broncos and Raiders decided to combine for 25 penalties, yes I said 25 penalties, for 221 yards… Dear Lord.  That's only 50 less yards than the winning Oakland Raiders total offense!

I have to admit there was a point in the game where I just wanted the officials give up and let the teams kill each other off.  So many of the penalties were accumulated as personal fouls during fights, I was starting to think that my Kansas City Chiefs might have an easy season with two teams in their division completely killed off in week one.  And yes, I realize I have destroyed all of my sports knowledge credibility by admitting that I am a Chiefs fan, but cut me some slack, I'm from Kansas.

One silver lining from this game has to be Sebastian Janikowski.  Who picked him as their kicker on their fantasy team?  I mean it may only get you two fantasy points but his NFL record-tying 63-yard field goal was simply amazing to watch.  He looked like the most elite NFL player on the field at Mile High Stadium on Monday night.  Other than Denver's Tim Tebow of course.  He was looking very professional in his warm coat and sideline cap for the entirety of Monday's contest.

Amidst Kyle Orton's struggles in the second half, which some will attribute to the heavy rain and slippery ball, the fans continued to chant "Tebow, Tebow", calling for their first round draft pick to prove the money spent on him.  Of course Orton then threw a touchdown and everyone forgot who Tebow was, as if the Denver football fans make their decisions based on pure emotion.  As far as I know that is unheard of from NFL fans.

All in all it was a close game, 23-20, Oakland on top.  But boy was it ugly.  Almost hard to watch.  It was like that spider dying in the toilet water.  You should flush it, but you just can't look away.  It's fun to see it suffer a little bit.  I mean spider bites hurt like a bitch.  In the same way, watching two piss-poor NFL teams squander in their own mediocrity was just too hard to turn off.

In closing, congratulations Oakland and Denver, for giving all of us the best/worst football game we could ever watch to close out the first weekend of the 2011-2012 NFL season.  We salute you.

Now, it's time to go to bed and dream of the Kansas City Chiefs only losing by 20 or so next weekend.

Until next time, good luck getting by on your own.