It's about 4:59PM on a Tuesday and feeling has finally started to come back to my fingers. Even as I type these words the QWERTY keys on my Toshiba laptop seem unfamiliar, like a step-father returning home after months of lobster fishing to his unresponsive children.
"Papa," the keys utter "You haven't returned in forever! Not even to type the password to your YouPorn account! We were worried!"
Be not worried little keys. Papa's home.
I have been trapped under a boulder for the past 3 1/2 weeks. Below, I've included a dramatization of the event.
But unlike Margot Kidder, there was no Superman to save me by spinning the earth on its axis in reverse to illogically turn back time. What started as an innocent jog in Laurel Canyon to preemptively shed some "Holiday Pounds" ended by me getting "pounded" under a boulder. I believe I was pinned somewhere between "Procrastination" and "Writer's Block".
And a lot of crazy s*** happened while I was trapped under that rock. Here (in no particular order) is my personal reactions to the recent days events:
"Occupy Wall Street is still a thing."
Good for them! They've mastered how to eat and crap without killing themselves and even got some press attention. If only they could get condescending Republicans over to their side (maybe gank a little of that hot Tea Party action) and we could all come together as Americans! But you know, the "real" ones, cause I know there's a difference between us and those liberal-drum-circle-hash-smoking-socialists. Still, I've seen a few signs of fascism here and there.
"Gaddafi is dead."
That makes Obama's head count 2/2 as far as "deranged terrorist organizers" go. I heard that guy was a snappy dresser.
"Ashton and Demi broke up."
Wait, the Canon spokesman and the gal who was in Charlie's Angels 2 broke up? That sucks. God. I spend so much time living osmotically through these highly paid celebrities that I NEED them to stay together. Or at least burn out in such a spectacular fashion that it creates an entire closet industry out of their downfall (Thanks Mr. Sheen, that'll be all pig…that'll be all.)
Demi Moore needs a young buck to suckle from her breasts or the magic spell that keeps her young will be broken revealing her true identity as Super Skrull. What? I assume everyone's been playing Marvel Versus Capcom 3…it's 2011 and Americans know who Phoenix Wright is? That's not true…it's impossible!
"Cardinals are in the World Series…and no one appears to care."
I know I've written whole articles about my inability to play ball sports, but when the home team comes from 5 games behind in the wildcard and takes it to a game 6 with the Rangers it's time to stand up and be counted!
By the time this posts the Cardinals may have won/lost. So I have to be painfully ambivalent here.
Also, there is a guy on the Cards offense named Theriot whose nickname is "The Riot". This effectively makes him Ryan "The Riot" The Riot. He is the riot within the riot. The riot inception. Riot!
"Halloween's coming up!"
And I haven't even picked out a costume yet! But judging from the scale of my physical injuries, this one might do!
To continue staying 3 1/2 weeks behind the rest of pop culture follow the author @cravesam
Picture of Sam's rock and Mumm Ra by lucernevalley.net and vampirejullieus.wordpress.net (via Cartoon Network) respectively