Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe

We could do without these "heroes."

Bobby Boxby Bobby Box
Growing up, my favorite league of superheroes were the X-Men without a doubt. There was something appealing in that fact that each hero had their own unique power that made them paramount to the team.

To me at least, this prospect was more engaging than a single being boasting a plethora of powers that made them virtually indestructible, like a very popular hero in the DC universe who daylights as a journalist. That said, though, I will admit that some X-men’s powers are better than others. Some, exponentially better.

To celebrate the release of “X-Men: Apocalypse” on May 19 (a film that looks terrific in an action sense, but lacking in story), we’re taking a look at the most useless mutants in the X-Men universe, most of whom you probably didn’t even know existed, because they shouldn’t.

1. Cypher
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Basically, Cypher is an educated translator (though this lackluster power is spectacularly described as “omnilingualism”). This big, useless word basically means his powers within the X-Men is to interpret different languages, despite all mutants traditionally speaking English — that is, until his sad excuse for existence was required and suddenly everybody’s a foreigner speaking languages only he understands.

How does this ability help in battle? It doesn’t. I assume he stands at the sidelines and lets his comrades know when a bad guy sh*t talks them in a different language.

2. Jubilee
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Prior to joining the X-Men, Jubilee witnessed her parents’ murder. As a result, she decided to live in a mall and hassle security guards for some reason. Her powers — shooting bright firecrackers at her enemies, which do very little damage — are incredibly weak, and only second to her annoying teenage quips written by guys old enough to be her father. In a desperate attempt to make Jubilee more badass (which they’ve been trying to do for years), she’s a vampire now. Because why not?

3. Dazzler
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Dazzler’s powers, from what I understand, give her the ability to turn sound into light, whatever that means. Basically, she’s like Jubilee, except she’s a disco singer and has Rollerblades, which in turn makes her insurmountably cooler, but no less ineffective.

4. Cyclops
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
I figured this one would be the most disputed, but hear me out. Cyclops is terrible. He’s the absolute worst. Not only does he keep Wolverine from defiling the always pretentious Jean Grey, but his powers are uninspired. The guy shoots lasers for crying out loud. Not to mention, these lasers don’t even pierce the skin; they just push enemies back a bit, granting the X-Men some more time. How this egotistical frat boy without any personality came to lead the X-Men is a complete mystery to me.

5. Strong Guy
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Guess what his powers are?

6. Domino
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Her superpower is “luck.” Yes, you read that right, luck. How this benefits her in battle, I’m not sure. But what I can say is she’s somebody you’d definitely want on your side when buying a lottery ticket.

7. Goldballs
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Goldballs is yet another mutant whose stupid name is a direct representation of his powers. Indeed, this chubby hero shoots golden balls at his enemies. The only possible benefit I can see for this guy is collecting the gold balls after he’s finished shooting them. That gold sh*t goes for a ton of cash these days.

8. Callisto
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Callisto is the leader of the Morlocks, a group of misfit mutants who live below ground in their own ugly society. As the group’s leader, you’d assume her mutant powers are impressive, that they’re better than most. But alas, like Cyclops, they are not. What are these powers, you ask? Tentacle arms! Yep, tentacle arms. Apparently she’s a pretty good brawler as well, but that’s not really a power. Neither is her notable androgyny.

9. Ink
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
As you might have guessed from his name, Ink’s tattoos are his powers. The best part of it all being that prior to getting tatted, he was just a regular guy. His tattoo artist was the mutant, and the symbols he has tattooed on him become representative of his powers. For instance, his tattoo of a biohazard symbol makes people sick. Which makes one wonder what the powers a tramp stamp would provide.

10. Toad
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Of all the animals to have powers based off on, I can’t imagine many would say “a toad!” Unfortunately, this is the “power” that has been bestowed on the aptly named Toad, a mutant who never received any form of respect from his comrades, nor his enemies. His long tongue is cool, I guess, if not for fighting enemies than for cunnilingus.

11. Jazz
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
His skin is blue. That’s it. Despite multiple mutants boasting blue pigment and still having impressive powers (Mystique and Nightcrawler, for example) Jazz’s powers are more like acne, and are just there. If that wasn’t bad enough, Jazz has aspirations of becoming a professional rapper, despite having very little talent.

12. Doop
Apocalypse Is Coming: The 12 Most Useless Mutants In The X-Men Universe
Just look at this guy. He’s an avocado/pickle hybrid. I’m not even sure what his powers are, but I do know that, in addition to looking like this, nobody can understand him either. Maybe Cypher, actually.