Give The Gift Of Ranch Kegs This Christmas

Ranch it up!

Brendan Doyleby Brendan Doyle
Photo: Comedy Central

Ranch? It’s a really gosh darn good salad dressing. Christmas? It’s a really gosh darn good holiday. What happens when you combine the two? Well, apparently you get a really gosh darn good gift, but only if the person you’re giving it to really likes ranch dressing. Like, really, really, REALLY likes ranch dressing. Possibly more than life itself.

Why is that?

Because the gift I’m talking about is a literal, real life keg of ranch dressing. No joke, dead serious here. And yes, by keg, we mean the actual barrel thing that college kids chug beer out of until they black out and wake up in a ditch with no memory of the past 24 hours and several new tattoos on their bodies.

Seriously, look at this thing!

Photo: Hidden Valley Food Products Company

That is an honest-to-god keg. Well, okay, it’s a mini-keg, so it’s not quite as big. But it’s still an enormous monster compared to a regular bottle! It is entirely full of ranch dressing, and you can buy it for a huge salad fan to make their entire year this Christmas. Buy one for your significant other. Buy two, one for each parent. Donate a few to charity in the spirit of sharing. Heck, it’s even stackable, so you can buy like five for the same best friend and put ‘em all on top of each other, just to prove that you can. If someone won’t accept your gift, then pelt them with globs of ranch dressing until they do. It’s not like you’ll be lacking ammo.

Technically it’s kind of not in the spirit of Christmas, but hey, you’ve worked hard this year. Buy yourself a keg of ranch dressing, then lord it over your friends whenever they’re around. Make a bunch of salad, then charge everyone you invite over money to use the ranch keg. Let the peasants use the regular ranch bottle but gouge everyone else for keg privileges, all in the name of a white, creamy Christmas season. Might as well rename yourself the King (or Queen) of Ranch.

They even have these other ranch-inspired gifts.

Image: Hidden Valley Food Products Company

Of course, all this talk of ranch kegs may have made you hungry for salad just reading about it, and that’s okay, too. You can go and get some right now, and cover it in ranch dressing to your heart’s content.

Someone was probably high when they thought of this ranch keg: Ranking The 8 Worst Things That Can Happen When You’re Sitting At Home Stoned