Header Photo: FRED TANNEAU/AFP (Getty) / @chelseabfrei (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends later and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 11-17-17
[sees guy who bullied me in school getting arrested] Ha! Now who’s a, erm, err….
[six weeks later, sits bolt upright in bed] A LITTLE BITCH BOY
— mo (@chuuew) November 14, 2017
IT’S CALLED *ROOMMATES*
YOU INVENTED ***ROOMMATES*** pic.twitter.com/zKo1VrFwqR
— Yulie [NSFL] (@sugarsh0t) November 13, 2017
[me if I were a dentist named dan] hello I’m your dantist lol
— madds (@whatmaddness) November 4, 2017
— Ponk™ (@P_o_n_k) November 14, 2017
A storm is a great time to steal a trampoline from a garden.
They’ll assume it blew away.
But they won’t look in case it killed someone.
— TwistedDoodles (@twisteddoodles) February 23, 2017
The best stone/bird kill ratio was prolly the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs
— markydoodoo (@markydoodoo) October 14, 2017
Sleeping in yo parents bed during breaks from school while they at work kuz they bed feel ten times more comfortable pic.twitter.com/bpjE8hrsiw
— Pastor Bluntaround (@SINice) November 10, 2017
I like the phrase “I wasn’t born yesterday” because it emphasizes the fact that babies are stupid.
— Gia Pennacchia (@GiaPennacchia) July 31, 2017
facebook ads r cool cuz im like oh look that was the thing I thought about yesterday but never typed or said aloud to another soul on earth
— Chelsea Frei (@chelseabfrei) November 7, 2017
if you pay close attention you can actually see Steve’s hair growing in every episode pic.twitter.com/ThdSPj61ca
— Matias Hannecke (@MatiasHannecke) October 30, 2017
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) November 10, 2017
My teacher left the room during a test so we all started sharing answers. Then I look up and she was staring right at me pic.twitter.com/yPMpgazbMv
— Me (@josephxmorales) September 26, 2017
God:”That’s your rib”
Adam:”Can I fuck it?”
— Spazio (@Spaziotwat) June 27, 2017
I have a chrome extension that makes all of trump’s tweets seem like they were written in crayon. This one is just a little too real for my taste. pic.twitter.com/XOstjKKKy3
— sanjana (@riseuphes) November 12, 2017
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) November 15, 2017
If I had a twin that was like 5 mins younger than me I would always say ‘when I was your age’ and proceed to tell them what I did 5 mins ago
— Alan Garner (@WolfpackAlan) November 6, 2014
excuse me waiter there’s too many titties in my titty ice cream pic.twitter.com/LYzHK7hMbL
— Leah Tiscione (@LeahTiscione) November 15, 2017
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
— Terry F (@daemonic3) April 21, 2017
When u plug your phone into your car and the porn you were watching earlier starts blaring thru your speakers pic.twitter.com/1hyTB3wSxo
— w¡ll (@AmericanAsshoIe) November 15, 2017
Me: bless you!
5 minutes later.
Me: *mentally* oh? Ok.
*mentally* take that, lil bitch
— Cardi Scott King (@xoAyannaRenee) November 13, 2017