Header Photo: Bethany Clarke (Getty) / @ArfMeasures (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 2-2-18
Janitor: well, that’s my shift over
Febitor: ok I’ll take it from here
— Marf (@MarfSalvador) February 1, 2018
so February’s just gonna come right away after January?? not even a minute to relax and collect ourselves??. wow ok. wow pic.twitter.com/QOvwOgoZfs
— beth mccoll (@imteddybless) February 1, 2018
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what you gonna do
— bobby sun (@touchmybobby) February 19, 2017
ME: *on the phone* my furnace isn’t working. Can I send u a photo of it?
HVAC REPAIRMAN: first try changing the filter
ME: still not working
HVAC REPAIRMAN: ok send me the photo
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 30, 2018
WE DIDN’T ASK FOR THIS WE JUST WANTED EQUAL PAY https://t.co/Rz2k8cqH2k
— Amanda Brooke Perrin (@brookeperrin) January 26, 2018
“no, just james bond”
— pope phteven (@PhuckinCody) January 30, 2018
Why do the Inkmaster judges dress like little kids trying to get into an R-rated movie? pic.twitter.com/D1RU92Jhj3
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) February 1, 2018
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
— Terry F (@daemonic3) January 27, 2017
Be careful who you make fun of in middle school Human Torch edition. pic.twitter.com/XMfQPUwpX5
— Jesse McLaren (@McJesse) February 1, 2018
ME: The older I get, the more I realize how confusing the world is.
FRIEND: I hear you. Being this aware of the precarious geopolitical situation is certainly harrowing.
ME: I was thinking more like Daylight Savings Time but yeah.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 29, 2018
When someone you barely know is telling you everything about their personal life like you care
— (@Dr_Sweets23) January 29, 2018
BANK ROBBER: where’s the safe?
BANK ROBBER: I SAID WHERE’S THE SAFE?
BANK ROBBER: WTF
PENN: He always does this
— Qwerty Jones (@QwertyJones3) January 31, 2018
Beyond excited Tide came out with the new vape pens!! pic.twitter.com/CdG4f8R0yX
— Logan (@lschroering) January 29, 2018
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
— Henry (bop ziggy zop boowah doo wap) (@CyborgHanky) February 1, 2018
Nobody wins pic.twitter.com/dt1B7GKMoc
— jake likes onions (@jakelikesonions) January 31, 2018
There are two kinds of people in this world:
3. Those who are good at math
— The Untastic Mr. Fitz (@UnFitz) January 31, 2018
The asteroid Phaethon had a near miss with Earth, at only 6.2 million miles. To understand how close that is, imagine you taking your new car to a supermarket, and a shopping cart rolls past it only 6.2 million miles away.
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) January 16, 2018
three very good snow boys pic.twitter.com/apD0x7DGzx
— pepe silvia (@akuyasha) January 31, 2018
ME [lying on the floor] I just think there might be room for me in the bed
Rose from Titanic: There isn’t
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) January 31, 2018
— Diane N. Sevenay (@Diane_7A) January 31, 2018