Oh Hell No: Madonna To Play Super Bowl XLVI Halftime Gig?

The former Material Girl is reportedly in talks to headline the Super Bowl 2012 halftime show. We disapprove. 

Johnny Firecloudby Johnny Firecloud


The sports website SB Nation is reporting that Madonna will take to the Lucas Oil Stadium in Indianapolis to perform during the Super Bowl XLVI halftime show. This is roughly the equivalent of Adam Lambert and Erasure playing a Nascar rally. In assless chaps.

Seriously, though. Think of three people you know who are presently-passionate Madonna fans. If you can count that many, how many are sports-loving straight men? Chances are, very few – though there are likely very many like myself who grew up in the "Like a Virgin" era and can appreciate a little nostalgia. But last I checked, the chest-bumping bro demographic was still the supremely dominant force behind keeping the NFL making snow angels in the blizzard of hundred dollar bills. (Save your frothy comments ~ we're well aware that transgender dyslexic albino rhinos with cochlear implants also enjoy football.)

The NFL is refusing to comment, and Madonna’s rep says there’s “nothing to confirm at this point”. However, last month the veiny velociraptor formerly known as the Material Girl told reporters while promoting her film W.E. that she’s been recording a new album with producers William Orbit and French DJ Martin Solveig, with a Spring 2012 release target. What better way to kick off your new single than with an over-the-top appearance at the most highly-watched television event of the year?

Whatever the case, this is a terrible idea aimed solely at racking up more viewer numbers, akin to adding a few shovelfuls of snow to the top of Mt. Everest. Conspiracy theorists may lean towards the social engineering concept, facilitated by your mother-in-law's sudden interest in bringing her white wine spritzer loving buzzkill self over to watch the event with you and a handful of your closest degenerate slob buddies. The family comes together on Game Day, and monoculture America is saved from the terrifying clutches of individual niche interests. Who's up for a game of Twister?

Super Bowl halftimes of the past few years have featured a mixed bag of performers, from The Who, Bruce Springsteen, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Prince and the Rolling Stones, to the regrettable recent Black Eyed Peas bionic mess. Adding Madonna to the list in 2012, when her album sales are pitifully low and she holds second-fiddle present cultural significance to Lady Gaga (how's that for an chicken-before-egg turnaround?), would be a gross miscalculation on the NFL's behalf. Here's hoping the hype is just hype, and we get something really relevant and cool instead.

Like a Demi Lovato & Justin Bieber duet. (somebody please invent that sarcasm font)