By Moses Amadeus
|Have you ever been dating some broad that won’t get off your nuts no matter how badly you treat her? Is she like a Chinese f**king finger trap, and the harder you struggle, the tighter her grip becomes? You sir, are a vagina. It’s about goddamn time for you to grow a pair and get that monkey the hell off your back once and for all.|
Step 1: Cheating
If you haven’t thought about cheating as a way to get out of the relationship, then I wonder how you’re even reading this, because you’re obviously acutely retarded. Cheating is a great way to get out of your current relationship quickly and cleanly, no messy, drawn out bullshit, just “I never want to see you again” and that’s that. Plus you get laid! It’s pretty much a win/win situation.
Step 2: Creepy Hobby/Fetish
If your girlfriend is into this, maybe you should rethink breaking up after all.
Here’s another fun one that can lead to a whole new world of enjoyment for you. Why not take up a deal breaking, creepy hobby and/or fetish? Who knows, you might find that you get real, meaningful satisfaction out of watching snuff films, or practicing taxidermy on your neighbors’ still-living pets. Even better, ask your girlfriend to take part in your nightly prison rape fantasies (with you as the aggressor, of course). Or how about forcing her to be the guitar tech for your air-guitar jam band thrice weekly? I’ll tell you what I do know: she’ll be running for the hills while you’re having the time of your life on whatever sick, sad voyage of self discovery that your diseased mind conceives of.
Step 3: Self Love
Know what’ll really make her skin crawl? Every time you have sex with your girlfriend, set up a camera, but make sure that only you are visible in the frame. Run an AV cable to the TV, and make sure that you can see yourself at all times. While you are in the act, pose for yourself, send yourself air kisses, flex, whatever. No, you cannot just do the same thing with a mirror, because then you could probably also see your girlfriend, who I’m willing to bet could stand to lose a little weight and will be in the frame no matter how you try to hide her. Plus, going to all the trouble of setting up the camera says to your soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend “I am a disturbingly self obsessed, and possibly even closet-homosexual narcissist of the highest order, and should be avoided at all costs.”
Step 4: Pee In The Sink
Always pee in her sink instead of the toilet. Leave the toilet seat up anyway.
Step 5: Ex-Boyfriend
This maneuver calls for you to make friends with your girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend. Chances are, her ex is a f**king douche, but whatever your differences are, you’ll both enjoy one thing: telling embarrassing stories about your girlfriend. Make sure that the stories that you are sharing are horribly offensive and personal, that you talk and laugh about them as loudly as possible in a public place, and that your girlfriend is within earshot when you do so.
Example: “This one time, we were doing it at her parents’ piece of shit trailer in Pomona. I “accidentally” put it in her butt and she screamed so loud that her dad ran into the room with a shotgun, slipped on her diaphragm, and shot himself in the leg! Her dad is a fag, by the way.”
Feel free to embellish. It doesn’t even matter if her parents live in a trailer, or even if her dad really is a fag or not. The only thing that matters is that your girlfriend has a heart attack when she hears the stories you’re sharing with the one person she hates more than anyone else in the world. At least until you came along!
Step 6: Clothes
This one is a bit costly, but well worth it to get rid of a particularly clingy barnacle of a girlfriend. At least once a week, buy her an item of clothing. It doesn’t even matter what it is. Just make sure that it’s like two sizes too big. No matter how many times she tells you that the clothes are too big, continue to buy them that size. Explain to her that she looks about that big so you don’t understand why she keeps trying to act like she’s not.
Step 7: Buddies
Your buddies should be at least this obnoxious to repel a clingy chick.
Consistently arrange very romantic dates with your girlfriend. Candlelit dinners, fancy restaurants, walks on the beach, hot air balloon rides, all that corny shit that stupid chicks think they like because they hear about it on Oprah or wherever the f**k. The catch is that you must always invite your buddies along without asking or telling her. After about the third time you do a beer bong or have a discussion about Lindsay Lohan’s tits with your most obnoxious manbot friend at the dinner table at Spagos, you can kiss her goodbye for good.
Step 8: Insulting Nickname
Refer to your girlfriend publicly as “The Cum Dumpster”. Bonus points for doing so in front of her friends, family and especially her co-workers.
Step 9: Disappearing Act
See you in a week when you become useful again!
Disappear for a week every time your girlfriend gets her period. Make no attempt to explain this absence. If she is persistent (she will be, women are such nags), deny that it ever happened. This will drive her crazy with menstrual rage or whatever, so be careful!
Step 10: ATM
Some bitches getting their ATM card swiped.
I know you think I’m going to tell you to use the old “I forgot my ATM card” trick every time you go out right? That’s exactly why you’re such a f**king amateur. I’m talking about swiping your girlfriend’s ATM card every time you hit the sack, brother. Ass to mouth, every single time, no exceptions, no excuses. Not even the gnarliest porn star on the face of the earth would put up with this for very long.
There you have it. If you’ve tried one or more of these steps unsuccessfully, then you’re either doing it wrong, or you need to get a restraining order before that chick hobbles you and takes you hostage like Kathy Bates in that movie “Misery” or some shit. Now get to work, you little twinks, and don’t say I never did anything nice for you!