5 Things I’d Do With A Portal Gun

Hey, a man can dream can't he?

Paul Tamburroby Paul Tamburro

After playing Portal 2, I now feel disappointed with the way I am forced to travel. The high gas prices of driving a car, the needless exertion of walking, the strong smell of urine on public transport; I just want to shoot one portal into my bedroom door and another into the bar and be done with it. So if I had a Portal gun (or Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device, if you want to be that guy), what would I do with it? Below are a few of my ideas; feel free to list yours in the comments.


Take a morning whizz

Y’know that feeling after you’ve spent the night with your mouth glued to a seemingly endless procession of Bud Lights, and you wake up the next morning certain that if you move from out of bed your stomach lining will drop from out of you and form a vomit-based red carpet leading you to the toilet bowl? Of course you do.

If I got my hands on a Portal Gun, I’d be able to roll over in my sleep and empty my bladder right there on my bedroom floor, with the urine then making its way through a portal I handily shot into the bathroom the previous day. No longer would I have to make the decision between getting out of bed and throwing up/remaining in bed and pissing my pants.  It would truly be a wonderful day.


Send someone I dislike through an endless loop of portals.

It’s difficult to think of someone I dislike enough to banish them to an existence consisting entirely of being jettisoned through the air at a vomit-inducing speed. What can I say; I’m a decent kinda guy. I could go for someone evil on a more globally recognized scale, like a terrorist or something, but as I live in a nice suburban neighbourhood where the gentlemen tip their hats to you in the morning and the ladies wear dresses down to their ankles (except for Miss Penelope, that shin-baring slut), it would be quite an expedition for me to go about finding anyone that deserves such a punishment.

In hindsight, a Portal Gun would be best used as a way to constantly threaten anyone whoever comes into contact with me. No one’s going to even entertain the idea of getting on the wrong side of me when I have the power to create an inter-dimensional hole in the fabric of time and space. And I bet the laydeez love it.


Walk the Dog

We all love our dogs. If we never, people wouldn’t keep trying to tell us that they are our ‘best friends’, despite the fact that if they were our best friends they’d actually be awful best friends because they spend all of their time eating our food and crapping on our lawn. They’re also needy, which is all nice and adorable when you first get them, but after four years of throwing the same tennis ball and having it brought back to you in an endless loop of monotony, you kinda wish they’d start pulling their own weight a bit more.

I’d take that Portal gun and send the yappy little pooper to the park by himself, teach him some independence. Hell, my Dad used to drop me off alone at random parts of the city all the time; it was a character-building exercise, he told me, and if I made it back home then it was just another step on the long road to me becoming a man. Through all that, I turned out fine, right? Just ignore the arson charges. They were all accidents, no matter what the judge said.


Slowly drive my friends insane

The first thing you’d do if you managed to acquire a Portal Gun is ring up your buddies and tell them that you have a Portal Gun. It would be difficult to not show off such a thing, especially considering the usual standard of things you brag about to them – just last week you were playing Madden and competing to see who could produce the loudest bowel movement. 

But if I were to obtain it, I’d opt for a different technique; I’d start off by agreeing to meet up with two of them simultaneously in two different bars, and then check in to these places via Facebook, tagging them both in each post. Then I’d unexpectedly turn up at one of their apartments before they made it home from work, explaining that the door was unlocked so I let myself in. I’d do this repeatedly until they were forced to change their locks, and then do it again until they were forced to change their entire door.

 Then I’d carry out the final part of my master plan. The crème de la crème. Each morning at 5am, I’d step through a Portal in the cupboard of his bedroom, take out a permanent marker and scrawl a drawing of a penis on his forehead. Nothing better than convincing your buddy that he’s being haunted by the ghost of the world’s biggest douchebag.


Impress my Girlfriend

It’s difficult being a boyfriend. Picking last night’s underwear up from the floor, battling my chronic laziness in order to do the daily chores – honestly, it’s a wonder how I make it out of bed in the morning just knowing of all the trials and tribulations that await me. If I had a Portal Gun, every time my girlfriends lips moved I’d be on it like a lightning bolt.

The dishes need cleaning? I’d be sitting on the couch with my hands over the sink. The lawn needs cutting? I’d be sitting on the couch with my hands on the lawnmower. The bathroom needs cleaning? I’d be sitting on the couch with my hands down the toilet.

I’d become more and more slovenly, she’d leave me for someone who was more vertical in their disposition, and slowly but surely I’d gain the weight that would eventually see me feature in a cutting-edge exposé on obesity, where an increasingly infuriated fitness instructor would come to my house and repeatedly scream at me that I am EATING MYSELF TO DEATH.

Dam you, Portal Gun. Look at the pain you have caused.