5 Things You Should Never Say to a Woman You’d Like to Shag

You said what? OMG GTFO

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Just as women are sick of the dumb crap that comes falling out of men’s mouths, men are sick of women getting inexplicably furious at them for seemingly nothing.

 Let’s bridge the gap between the two planets with a few guidelines on how to keep the peace and keep the next roll in the hay within in the realm of possibility.


1. How Come You Never Wear Jean Shorts?                                                                                             Men, women don’t like it when you give us the impression that you’re scrutinizing their wardrobe or the wardrobe of others. This makes you seem effeminate. What are you going to say next, “how come you never wear more seasonal appropriate garments?” Stuff like that starts to make you seem like you could join the ranks of Elton John, Perez Hilton and Tom Cruise. And sure, maybe you just want to see our legs more, but all this really indicates is that you saw some other ho, walking down the street in a pair of hooched up shorts and the image is seared into you head, and you want us to start emulating that skank.

2. Wow, you were hungry.                                                                                                                      Guys usually drop this little gem if they see their lady devour anything salad, cake, burger and fries, wad of cookie dough, what have you. Gentleman, the problem with this is that even if you are making a logical observation based on fact, it still makes the woman sitting across from you feel like the winner of some sordid pie-eating contest.  How about the next time you pitch a tent, you’re lady looks at you in your half-palm tree half-flamingo state, and say, wow, you’re sexually aroused, aren’t you? See how you enjoy responding to that one.

3. You’d really like my ex.                                                                                                                    Really, why would I like your ex? Is it because we both were willing to shag you and are the only two women on earth that have that in common? Or do you think because we both shagged you, we must have such low levels of self-esteem that we couldn’t help but foster a friendship? Bottom line: Don’t tell me I’d like your ex, unless I’ve just come out of the closet and want life partner suggestions.

4. You take sooooooo long to get ready.                                                                                                 This is a pet peeve of women all around the world. On behalf of the billions of women on the planet, I would like to say this: you expect us to look good, in fact statistically, it’s required that we look good, if we have any hope in finding and holding onto a mate. How are we supposed to accomplish this, without taking the amount of time to get it done? When women are locked in their bathrooms with the blow dryer and a round brush, we feel like we’re trying to put a coat of polyurethane on the Eiffel tower with the back of a wooden spoon. What is my point? We’re working as best as we can with our assets and our equipment to get it done. Leave us be. No one ever rushed Kubrick. Keep that in mind.

5. That woman was really flirting with me.                                                                                             While some men might claim this is just openness and honesty, it’s actually pride and ego masking in the lambswool of forthrightness. Unless this woman hit you in the face with her breasts, and I have to go rip out her hair extensions and smack her with them, I don’t want to hear about it. Firstly, it makes you look insecure. Secondly, it leads me to believe that the flirting was probably going both ways, and that you were just egging her on. And thirdly, what do you want me to do? If you’re going to run off with this broad, fine, go in peace. If you’re just going to have some cheesy affair with her behind my back, well I’ll eventually find out and ruin your life. Which scenario do you want to end up with?