So Your Girl Drags you to a Wedding

So you got the invite. Open bar. While all sounds good, be prepared.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

At least one groomsman is a total douche. This is a fact. One groomsman, often oddly enough the best man, has a bottle of Xanax in his back pocket, a bottle of Jack in his luggage and insists on keeping his Ray Bans on during the ceremony. This is the guy that usually has some elaborate hairstyle, such as a long quaff or flip he has to keep just so, or is buzzed clean, like some footballer from a southern fraternity. He’ll have a hemp necklace on underneath his tuxedo and he’ll hit on the bride when he’s drunk or any woman with a date on her arm, just because.

At least one bridesmaid is a complete ho. You all agree, I need not ask. This is the bridesmaid that hires a professional make up and hair artist for herself and whose dress is somehow inexplicably lower cut than the other women. She starts to make a speech, but ends up singing a song like Carrie Underwood’s “Before He Cheats”. She brushes up against the groom more than once and shags two groomsmen. Likewise, one bridesmaid is always a hobbit, but let’s save that for another day.

Alcohol and adults + wedding = random stuff. If you bring a date, you can count on your friends copping a feel now and then once your back is turned, or, if they're drunk enough, right in front of you.

Your food won’t taste as good as it could in a restaurant, no matter what you ordered, even if it’s the filet mignon. This is a melancholy fact of weddings, and I’m not complaining, not really. Cooking in bulk for 100 to 250 people is a major migraine. We’re lucky to just get warm food. And that’s what the majority of the food is. Warm. Warm filet mignon. Warm herb roasted chicken (for once in my life I would like to see a wedding menu where the chicken wasn’t herb roasted—anything else, please!) and warm vegetarian penne. I ordered a surf and turf (filet mignon and lobster tail) and there was something about that lobster tail. I needed it to be hot or cold. I couldn’t deal with warm. The warm gave it a rubbery quality and I had a bite and that was it.

The parents of the bride and groom rarely ever want to meet their friends. In the last five years, I’ve probably gone to eight weddings all of my friends. If I get a handshake from the parents of the bride or groom, I consider myself lucky. No joke. No joke whatsoever. 

Making a speech is a lose-lose. If the bride, groom or anyone in the family doesn't like any iota of your speech, they treat you like a vacuum salesman for the rest of the night. Even if you make the best speech at the reception, the other speechmakers give you dirty looks for upstaging them, which only becomes amusing once you're plastered.

But you can always count on the open bar. Tips optional.