So here we are again, counting down the days until another Marvel movie hits theaters to grace us all with neat-o comic book action brought to life. This time, it's X-Men: First Class, a prequel to all the previous films showing Charles Xavier and Erik Lensherr as young idealistic friends driven apart by just what those ideals are. It's set in the 60s. There are actual costumes. It's a Silver Age comic book movie, which should make things pretty neat.
However, until that day comes where we can go see it ourselves, we find ourselves in the mind of thinking about the X-Men in general, and what nerdy site doesn't eventually find themselves making lists of some kind? So, in the spirit of the movie, here's a Top 5 list of the classiest X-Men around. See, First Class… classy? See what we're doing here? Is it too subtle?
Anyway, here we go!
Why He's Classy: By all accounts, Sam Guthrie's just a straight up good man. He's polite, he's friendly, he's respectful, traditional and he's a natural leader with a strong moral center. He was also a stand-up guy in his personal life – so much so that he even forgave Tabitha Smith for sleeping around on him (even if he should have seen it coming since her codename was "Boom Boom"). That's high road stuff right there.
Why He's Not #1: He's from Kentucky and his sister tears her skin off.
Why He's Classy: Kurt Wagner has always aspired to a higher standard. Even in his carefree youth, his role model was Errol Flynn, a dashing, swashbucking, charming hero of the silver screen, and later in life, he strove to become a man of the cloth. True, Flynn was a womanizer and the Catholic Church is a haven for pedophiles these days, but Kurt's aspirations were to the best of these things, not the worst. He's compassionate and modest, but he has an impish sense of humor as well that only serves to make him more charming. The German accent also helps. Not to mention just looking pretty sleek in black and red. He's a high-end model, this one.
Why He's Not #1: Whenever he uses his power, it smells like farts. Farts from Hell.
Why She's Classy: Ororo Munroe is the rightful Queen of Wakanda. She's been revered as a goddess most of her life. She's majestic. She's powerful. She's ethereal. She's statuesque. She's articulate and poetic. She wears skintight black leather and makes it seem regal. She wears nothing at all and makes it feel like living art. She's just got it.
Why She's Not #1: She's a street thief at heart, and she's got a history of sporting super-tall mohawks. It's hard to maintain class through the 80s.
Why She's Classy: In a medium dominated by women with boobs bigger than their heads always on display, Kitty Pryde has always been understated, covered-up and more concerned with the mind than the body (although she's not above appreciating body, thanks to her love of Peter "Beefcake" Rasputin). In fact, she left the land of spandex for a long while to go attend a real college with thoughts of pursuing a political career, after spending time in the cultural mecca of England. Even though she's also a secret ninja, she's kinda above all this tights nonsense. Yet, it keeps pulling her back in.
Why She's Not #1: Too much of her teenage years are public knowledge, and they included dressing like this:
She ain't living that one down.
And, finally, the classiest X-Man of all…
Why He's Classy: You can't afford his vocabulary, since it's made up entirely of hundred-dollar words. Not even if you put it on layaway. He's brilliant, erudite and constantly on the forefront of scientific achievement, and yet he's physically graceful, philosophically astute, he sports a rapier wit and manages to remain completely suave and debonair even while being one of those animal-guys that's supposed to be all feral and snikty. Dr. Henry McCoy is as smooth as silk and practically made of snazz.
Why He's #1: His catchphrase is "Oh, my stars and garters." None of you know where the hell that even means. But he knows that, and he also understands cold fusion and probably has the human AND mutant genomes memorized. He'll read Shakespeare while dangling upside-down from the ceiling somehow. He's the total package of class.
* Colossus: Piotr Rasputin tries to live his life nobly and with respect to others, but he's also got rage issues, he's emotionally clumsy at times and he can get obsessive. Obsession is never classy, no matter what perfume commercials tell you.
* Beak: He strove to be a gentleman, but he did knock up his girlfriend and move into an old shack with her. Plus, he looks like a chicken.
* Professor X: Despite the nobility of his dream, he's still kind of a dick.
* Angel: Warren Worthington was born upper class rich and used to be a shoo-in for a list like this, but he's a half-crazy murderer these days.
* Psylocke: She used to be an aristocratic type, but she's also a ninja murderer who dresses in a ridiculous swimsuit all the time.
* Magneto: Yeah, he's an X-Man now, and he looks all elder-statesman-like with his flowing cape and all, but he's still a nutty ex-terrorist.
Stay tuned to Crave for the next list… of the least classy X-Men. A lot more contenders for that title.