The sad truth of the matter is that just like your job, your car and your clothes, your Facebook profile will at some point be used to weigh you up as a potential boyfriend. It contains everything there is to know about you; your thoughts, your friends, even your memories are detailed and photographed just awaiting the curious perusing of a potential date. So how do you use this to your advantage? Here are 4 tips to aid you in your online peacocking.
Dramatically increase your friend count
It is naive of you to think that your FB friends list should be limited to just, y’know, your actual friends. It should actually read more as a who’s who of your respective city, with you insouciantly sending friend requests to anyone who looks passably attractive until you reach quadruple figures and sometimes find yourself being recognized while going on your morning run.
While doing this is an entirely vacuous exercise in ego-rubbing, it will heighten the chances of your female acquaintances thinking of you as some sort of social network Casanova, and is also an easy way to feign popularity without having to actually talk to anyone. Pro Tip: Delete all future comments asking “Do I know you?” They’ll instantly give your game away.
Make good use of the ‘Check In’ button
Facebook’s most recent addition in aiding the cause of online sexual predators, the ‘Check In’ button is also a nifty little tool if you want to flash your cash without having to produce any actual money. Visiting an unreasonably priced restaurant? Don’t forget to Check In. Slumped across a swanky uptown bar? Don’t forget to – okay, you get the idea.
Aside from being a subtle way of nudging your friends list and saying “hey, look at the cool places I visit”, the Check In button can also be used to display other aspects of your personality. Checking in at the zoo, for example, hints towards you having one of those oft-desired ‘sensitive sides’. Unfortunately, checking in at the Adult Book Store doesn’t seem to have the same effect.
Don’t post stupid status updates
While inside you might be a ferocious ball of prejudiced hatred, by posting said hatred in the form of an unintelligible status update you are in fact prematurely cock-blocking yourself. Even though the little box reads “What on your mind?” we all know that what’s really on our minds is probably best kept off the Internet, and therefore that little box should actually be filled with words that could quite possibly be on the minds of the majority of your friends list.
By surrendering yourself to popular opinion you’ll be giving up every last shred of your remaining dignity, sure, but at least you’ll be more eligible for dating. Go ahead, try it. Simply copy and paste the following sentence in the box and change where appropriate;
“Just watching (insert reality TV show here). God, that (insert name of reality TV star here) is such a bitch/babe! I would love to punch her in the face/take her out for a romantic meal! Who’s with me?” Queue a myriad of likes and comments.
Take photos with hot girls
A girl likes a guy who talks to other girls. I know, weird huh? But it shows confidence, perhaps the one quality in a man above all else that women are instinctively drawn to. Of course, the hotter a girl is, the more confidence it will take for a man to approach her, meaning that in order to seem like the alpha male that all women are looking for you need to go and get yourself photographed standing next to some obscenely attractive females. Not easy.
So how do you go about this? Well, it all depends on your situation. If you have the statuesque face of a Paco Rabanne model then simply turning up to a bar will suffice. If, however, you look like you’ve spent the vast majority of the past 3 years levelling up your Paladin and drinking Red Bull, you’ll probably have to don your balaclava and wait until they’re asleep.
Photo Courtesy of: Dominic Chan/ WENN.com