Two Do’s and Two Don’t’s

So you’ve walked up to some poor woman and you’re making conversation. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

You have a few precious moments of small talk to impress her. Here’s the good news. You won’t impress her, so forget that. All you can do is project confidence and the sense that you like who you are and are comfortable talking with her (fake it if you must).


DO: Chart the Uncharted

When you go up as random dude to some random woman (who, most likely, all the other surrounding guys want to get on as well) you need to have an angle. Your typical dofus will ask her about her interests, siblings, city of origin, job and favorite television programs. You are not that dofus, YOU are going to take cues from the slick psychopath Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy used to pretend to be wounded (sprained ankle, broken arm) when talking to women to play on their sympathies, and then, when he got her alone, he’d strike. I of course am not advocating you do the illegal and immoral acts to women that Bundy committed. However, we can all admit his mind was in the right place. Next time you’re at a bar, perhaps don a sling and ask a hot woman to pass you a cocktail napkin or coaster or help carry your drink. Woman are naturally sympathetic (also known as a curse) and it will be easy conversation from that point on.


DO: Grope. Grope.

Ha ha! Just kidding! Well, partly. Of course, no woman likes the disrespect of some sweaty jackal putting his hand on her knee, thigh, or what-have-you. However, I—and I should add that I have the strongest-most-New-York-born-and-raised-don’t-F-ing-touch-me-vibe on the market—have sometimes felt oddly attracted to a man who has manhandled me out of nowhere. But if you’re going to do this, you need to be able to pull it off with pure slick or you’re going to get slapped. Two things: ONE. Envision and believe you are George Clooney when you do this and TWO. Stick to safe areas like shoulders, small of back and arms. Maybe her waist, if you feel brave. And gently rest your hand there—when you’re opening a door for her or ordering a drink for her or something else that is directly for her benefit. That’s it. If you can pull this off, all looks good. Just don’t squeeze anything. Rest. Hand. Gently.


DON'T: Brag about your income/status:

ONCE- and don’t ask why,  I was working as the greeter at a Jaguar service center. And lots of the tools would come in and try to talk to me, flirting in their own special language of A-hole. I once had a guy tell me that it’s hard to go from driving a $90,000 dollar car to a $10,000 car (ie- the rental we were putting him in while the shop worked on his car). I’m sure that must be true. In fact, I’m sure when it comes to classist tools, a lot is hard in life, like being forced to sit in traffic in between a Honda and Nissan. Heck, if I ever flew first class, I’m sure hauling my cookies back to coach would be unheard of, not to mention cruel and unusual punishment. But if you think anything about you announcing how much you got sodomized to pay for that car is going to impress me, you’re so financially drained, the ether is up in your brain cells.


DON'T Guess Our Weight

OMG. Boys. Men. Don’t do that. Some guys will just bust it out while telling a story, like “The trout I caught that weekend was as big as you, you’re like what, 120? 130?” Is there a reason you’re naming pounds right now? Are you sussing something out, like if you’ll be able to carry me in one arm while swinging between two buildings like Batman did with Bassinger? Are you trying to fit me within some self created criteria, like “I will never date a girl heavier than 120 pounds” and you’re trying to see if I can confirm that I fit in your parameters. Whatever it is, it’s weird. Don’t do that. 


This is basic stuff guys. And it makes all the difference.