She Was Your Girlfriend and Now She’s Your Roommate

What was love is now a personal hell. Its horrible throw pillow hell.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

To me, the funniest part about this article is the fact that so many guys reading it honestly believe that they know what to expect, when really, sh*t is about to get real, prettying f-ing fast. Let me put it to you this way, have you ever seen a dolphin dissection performed by a transvestite? Right. You’re in over your head. Let’s break things down.

1. Some days your lady is going to look pretty f-ing rough. What do I mean by rough? Like Susan Sarandon right before she drove that convertible off the cliff in Thelma and Louise? Need a more masculine analogy? Like Will Ferrell in any movie he’s been in. I don’t care how many times your pretty princess girlfriend has slept over. I don’t care if you’ve gone on vacation together  to Bosnia or you’ve camped for days and days together in swamps. Up until this point, she’s managed to shield you from some seriously unattractive days, using primer, spackle and time alone. Now, while she might still have her primer and spackle, you and the presence of a shared bathroom are going to prevent her from doing everything she needs to get done. And that means she’s going to be walking around looking like Doc from Back to the Future some days. You think you know the shape and texture of your lady’s hair? Ha ha! Get ready.

2. Your girlfriend has bodily functions that are absolutely identical to your bodily functions. While she may not have a doo-daa that ejaculates semen, like women can fart, crap, burp, hiccup, spit and blow snot like you and your buddies. Before you move in with your woman, do yourself a favor, make a list of the all the bodily functions you’ve witnessed and overheard. I’m guessing you’ve got three. Get ready for the remaining 18 bodily functions you’ve yet to experience.  Have you heard her fart yet? Well, that’s something to look forward to.

3. When her period comes a-knocking it rules. Her period, on its monthly visit, is now a rent-paying member of the household. Treat it as such. If she says, “Get off me, I’m menstruating,” treat that remark as if she just said, “My dad’s actually hiding under the bed.”

4. She eats crazy stuff. I know you think you’ve seen the ins and outs of this woman’s diet. Get ready for some freaky sh*t. Maybe she munches on salted soybeans for breakfast. Maybe other days she just eats warm egg salad with a spoon. Or she mixes in mayonnaise into her stir fry dishes and tomato sauces because it gives it a nice creamy texture. Whatever.  

5. The final thing you’ll discover about living with your lady, are the tidbits about yourself while you’re asleep. Perhaps you make some bizarre-o chewing noise in your sleep. Or that your lady thinks it’s weird you brush your teeth in the shower.  Or how abnormal it is for you to wear the same pair of socks two days in a row (hey, I think it’s economical, but not all women are as forward-thinking) All in all, you’re in for a treat.