I’ve noticed that when you walk down a crowded city street there are those who politely turn away from other passing people, and those who barrel forward unabated by the tide of humanity they are pushing against. There are just these two types of people, and this balance is what allows a sidewalk to be used without a constant Marx brothers like colliding bodies routine. Its not just sidewalks. Turners are the people who back down in business meetings and voluntarily give away custody of dogs in breakups. Barrelers are the people who only find out later that they offended people are parties or caused minor flooding by unplugging your college beer fridge to charge their over-priced cell phone. Here is my rallying cry to those of us who are regrettably “turners”. Lets start knocking these jerks on their butts.
I’m not one to sew sidewalk chaos by unraveling the fabric of our careful, if accidental system, for not crashing into one another like people meet in romantic comedies. I AM however against the Ed Hardy wearing morons who risk breaking my jaw because they won’t look where they are going. Do you know why they don’t look? Because for their whole lives people have been getting out of their way. That’s why they end up wearing Ed Hardy clothes, because all the people whose fashion opinion they consulted just turned away. Stop allowing the runaway train lifestyle of the barrelers to contribute to your comical misadventures. Someone knocked the coffee out of your hand? Barreler. Someone passed between your dog and your leash causing you to loose your grip and the dog ran off. Barreler. Someone steamrolled your presentation at a meeting because they suggested something out of hand? Barreler. Someone made a barrel and sold it at a market? Cooper, that’s a Cooper… but good try.
Now you’re saying that these Barrelers must have some reason to exist. They do. They are necessary to the very makeup of our society. That doesn’t mean that any walk down the street has to be like a prolonged game of WIPEOUT, but we do need them. These are the explorers who boldly go against the tide of social norms and insist the world is round, America is discoverable, and the moon is within reach. Barrelers ARE the future of our planet. Barrelers are going to be leading the charge over the next horizon. Barrelers are good people. But if another one of the dicks walks down the street without looking where they are going I am putting that guy on his F@%King BACK! Let ‘em KNOW!
Here is my plan. Next time I am on a crowded sidewalk and I see the fast approaching wall of absent minded sidewalk bowlers, this is what I am going to do. I am going to set my shoulders and look forward with grim resolve as this big ape knocks me on the cold cold ground. Game, Set, Match.