Blu-Ray Review: ‘N-Secure’

This new psychodrama is m-possibly n-ept.

William Bibbianiby William Bibbiani

I have literally no idea what the play on words ‘N-Secure’ means. Obviously “insecure” is an element, since the unhinged protagonist of David M. Matthews’s psychodrama is definitely that thing, but the greater meaning of the misspelling eludes me. I may be unintentionally professing my ignorance here, but you’d think the movie would have made some effort to n-form me. I thought maybe the protagonists would work at some kind of “Safe-N-Secure”-type business, but that’s not it. They’re clearly not secure to the 'Nth' degree. I may be reading too much n-to this. Maybe “Insecure” would have just been a boring title, so they did something fun with it. I wish they’d done something fun with the actual movie. Unlike the title, it makes sense. But also unlike the title, it’s extremely uninteresting and offers no rewards for deeper n-alysis.

N-Secure had a Golden Ticket with me, not because I’m a fan of the filmmaker or any of the actors n-volved, but because of the beautifully over the top, “HFS” trailer that had me geared up for a melodramatic roundhouse kick thrill ride filled with sincere (but bad) dialogue and bad (but bad) performances. And as always, there was also the n-cessant thought -n the back of my head that said it might just be a plain old fashioned good movie. Kick back for a second and watch the madness unfold before reading further:



The trailer version of N-Secure is the best kind of Lifetime Original Movie, complete with oversimplified moralizing and n-nate silliness. While moments of utter n-tertainment pop up here and there, N-Secure is generally as dry an experience as n-haling sand. Cordell Moore, a relative newcomer to the screen, plays David Washington, a control freak who follows schedules more closely than that kooky Batman villain The Clock King. He’s n-gaged to Robin Joyner (Essence Atkins) despite the fact that she’s been a few minutes late on occasion. She doesn’t love him, and the day before their wedding she almost sleeps with her best friend’s fiancé. David and the best friend show up, get pissed, and break up with their respective others. But David can’t trust women anymore, and his rebound girl Tina Simpson (Denise Boutte) finds herself n- a dangerously abusive relationship with man to whom murder is an n-creasingly popular problem-solving skill.

A good psychodrama isn’t hard to find, and not the hardest thing n- the world to pull off. Abusive relationships are n-herently believable, tragic and suspenseful. So the fact that N-Secure managed to completely screw it up is a pretty m-pressive accomplishment. Lethargic pacing is partially to blame, along with a series of performances that, to a one, play like somebody filmed their blocking rehearsal by mistake. The actors accurately convey the idea of m-otions without ever giving the m-pression of actually x-periencing them. Common but f-ective suspense beats like a boyfriend about to walk n- on his woman as she’s sleeping with n-other man clunk awkwardly like iron testes. There’s only one truly believable moment n- the film, when David tells his best friend Harold (Thomas ‘Nephew Tommy’ Miles) that, “I’d rather another man stick his d*** in my mouth than in my woman.” When he asks Harold if he understands what he’s talking about, Harold blinks quizzically and responds that no… no, he really doesn’t. We believe him, because seriously… Da fug?

N-Secure secured itself a Blu-Ray release this week, complete with a decent but unremarkable transfer, decent but unremarkable sound design and a single special feature: an m-plausibly glowing TV special of sorts featuring fawning n-terviews with the cast and crew. If you’re looking for an x-planation, any explanation of what the heck happened to make N-Secure the way it is, look elsewhere. Actually, “look elsewhere” is as good and succinct a review as N-Secure is likely to get.

N-Secure will perplex you, and not n- the good Last Year at Marienbad way. It operates about as well as car held together with twine. It might go for about two hours, but only if you’re foolish n-ough to get on board n- the first place.


Crave Online Review (Film): 2.5/10

Crave Online Review (Blu-Ray): 3.5/10