In our age of dating and dates and the drudgery which comes along with that, I’d like to remove my hat and salute (and perhaps defend) the old-fashioned hook up. You know what I mean. I’m talking about the college-party, 1 am; let me show you the new Counting Crows album in my room type of thing. And—I’m not necessarily talking about sex here either. Some of the most memorable hook ups are the ones where it was all in the realm of Peter Brady. Or whatever it is I’m trying to say. Here are some of the low points of dating, that hooking up knows nothing about.
1. Someone always has to pay during a date. And don’t even talk to me about “going Dutch.” As far as I’m concerned, it you went Dutch, you weren’t on a date. Once someone pays for the margaritas and fried calamari, and something physical happens later, the person who paid feels very justified. That was indeed supposed to happen because that was indeed paid for. However, if the resulting contact was okay/so-so or just nice, there’s a sense of not getting one’s money’s worth. You know, maybe those margaritas were so awesome and the tongue action so sloppy. Rather, with a hook up in a dark corner between two consenting warm bodies, well, it’s just karma/life/nature/alcohol taking its course.
2. Date conversation. Listen, I feel that dates are so toxic because they put this construct of “date conversation” in the minds of the two attendees. People talk about crap like their upbringing, movies they’ve seen, foods they like, oh and my ultimate favorite—current events. When you have two people drunk at a party, they’re talking about which vegetable they’d like to just hold in their hand and how often you need to wash a porcupine, theoretically. Which conversation would you rather be a part of?
3. The outfit. Men, I have a feeling that you only have a slight sense of what it is that women go through when we’re getting ready for a date. Shaving all areas of the body, just in case. Locating the matching bra and panty combos, just in case. Finding an outfit that l complements your shape, skin tones, hair color and yet, not look like we’re trying. And then assessing your reaction during the date. You see, during a hook-up, whatever you have on is just perfect. It’s gotten the job done as the make out has already happened. You’ve liked it enough to touch my butt, and I didn’t even have to worry about it.
4. General weirdness. This is what makes dating so poisonous. It’s the constant evaluation that you have to make of the person in front of you. That’s how he inserts a fork into his mouth. She chews very rapidly. He’s taken a very long bathroom trip, I wonder if everything is okay. She didn’t get that I was making a joke. He didn’t get my political reference. He eats like a bird, that’s so unattractive. She ordered her burger rare, that’s disgusting. Hook-ups don’t have any of that garbage. Why? Because you’re too busy finding avenues around the buckles and buttons of each other’s clothes.
Not to sound crass.