If you’re going to start sexting, for the love of God make sure you don’t have a phallic sounding second name. That’s Rule Number One, a rule which Democrat Anthony Weiner shamefully failed to adhere to, and as a result found himself transformed into a laughing stock and forced to resign from Congress after tweeting a few explicit pictures of his jolly roger.
But what are the other rules? Well, perverts, here’s a step-by-step guide on how to successfully seduce the object of your affection using just your mobile phone and a few ‘secure’ social networking sites.
Don’t show your face
Surprisingly many celebrities still seem to think that they’re going to get away with sending naked photos of themselves. It’s so extraordinarily imbecilic that it’s almost terrifying. But the fact of the matter is they would have a much better chance of arguing their case if they just cropped their faces out of the photo’s – sure, we’d still be almost certain that the photo was of them, but as we couldn’t prove it we’d just have to agree to disagree. In particular don’t reveal your identity if you have a face like Weiner’s, who looks like the end result of a collaborative sperm donation from Guagmire and Bert from Sesame Street.
There’s no need to show off your douchebag tattoo
You may be proud of the tribal tattoo you had done three years after everyone thought tribal tattoos were cool, but it’s just going to be another way in which you’ll be identified when your girlfriend/fling/whoever the f*** you’re showing photos of your peen to inevitably chooses to publically humiliate you following a bad argument. There’s a time and a place for flexing your meagre arm muscles and this isn’t it.
Try and steer clear of showing too much penis
There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just gonna go ahead and say it – girls aren’t that attracted to your dick. Don’t worry though, it’s not just your dick; they’re not attracted to any dick, little, large, or otherwise. Sure, it helps if you’ve got a bit of girth down there, but by sending the poor girl a photo of your erect penis not only will she find it intimidating, she’ll also probably laugh at you a little bit. I mean c’mon, they’re ridiculous looking, flopping around like bloated, mournful earthworms. If you absolutely have to include a glimpse of your penis in the photo, make sure it’s only the shaft. Once you reveal the head all of that mystery you once had is gone, as your lady friend is left to stare poignantly at an image of your embarrassed, flaccid scrotum.
Don’t type anything you wouldn’t want to read when you’re less horny
In the heat of the moment men are known to say strange things. I have a friend who has been known to shout “1-0!” whilst ejaculating, a mood killer that frequently ensures he never gets to make it to 2-0. It might be tempting to log into Skype, get into a Video Call with that girl you’ve been sleeping with and immediately ask her to spread her ass cheeks, but a little subtlety will get you a long way.
I’m not saying your BBM’s to her should have all the romantic subtext of a Lord Byron poem, but you’re still going to need a way with words that will make her want to take off her clothes, rather than continuing to masturbate fervently into your webcam without your efforts being reciprocated. If you have the charisma of a lima bean, however, then at least you’ve got still got ChatRoulette to fall back on.
Photo Credit: ASSOCIATED PRESS