The Cardboard Box: Innovation in a Bad Economy

Putting the "fun" back in "fundamental economic collapse"!

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

For centuries man has striven to invent. With the recent closing of our American space program NASA however, we've had to look a little bit closer to home to find the next innovation. But why did NASA close? No more money. For anyone. Bad job growth and complete governmental indifference makes America a dull boy.  And if you've seen Rise of The Planet of the Apes recently, you know that money is the root of all evil anyway.

"You make history, and I make mmmMoney!"

So when inventing has to be on the cheap, what better way to patent your next idea but look to reinvent something from the past? Half the work has been done for you!

I locked myself in the Crave Online research facilities for the past few days (which explains the lack of articles about pro wrestling or breakfast cereals in the comedy tab) and sought to find the next big thing. Shapes! That's the ticket. The circle gave us the wheel, possibly the greatest invention of all time. And the triangle gave birth to the pyramids and verticality in architecture. But what was the greatest accomplishment of the square?

The cardboard box.

Of course! That brilliant packing material birthed from an unholy union of corrugated cardboard and packing tape had many more secrets to unlock! Children have known for years the power of the lowly cardboard box…it's ability to transform into planes, rocket-ships and surrogate father figures has been widely recorded.

 I had to find out the limits of this object, if not for me, then for the millions of people who will be out of a job or home in the next 3 hours. Have you seen the stock market lately? Your IKEA furniture will only work as kindling so long after the heat has been turned off in your underwater investment of a suburban home.

Here's the following innovative uses for a cardboard box in a bad economy. Enjoy!   

1. Replacement steps for your home or the "box step". Get it? …that joke would've killed in the 30's. And it did.

2. Cardboard umbrella to save you from the unforgiving acidic rain which is actually angel tears.  

3. Cardboard shoes. Worn out sneakers? Try the box they came in!

4. Box-ing gloves to protect all your other boxes from box thieves.

5. Box shelf to keep more boxes on.

6. Cardboard box home, simple, but classic. And now that you've looked at your mortgage payment this month, necessary.

7. Tactical Box Camo. Best for sneaking into worn out Wal Marts for bottled water, which have now been taken over by the Sons of Liberty.

8. Cardboard Hat. I think Lady GaGa already does this actually. Progressive!

9. Spray-painted Silver Robot costume. For that Halloween when you want to remember that the future meant robots and flying cars, not crushing debt. Unfortunately I don't think you can make spray paint out of cardboard.

10. Box Car. While you can't make an engine (since your Ford Motors plant closed) you can provide good old fashioned foot power. Look! You're Fred Flintstone!

11. Cardboard Pet Coffin. Mittens the cat, we knew ye well…until PetCo closed and we couldn't figure out how to feed you.

12. Cardboard Sled. To enjoy when the nuclear winter hits after Russia decides to just kill us off and replace us in the world economy. Merry Christmas!

13. Box Money. In the future we gotta trade something, and let's face it; boxes will be insanely valuable after this article posts.

14. Cardboard Computer. All it takes is a couple boxes and your imagination! Hey, do you remember when Apple was a company and not the only fruit we have in our "recession bunker"?

15. Cardboard girlfriend. She'll never leave you for someone better because you made her dammnit. You literally complete her.


Follow @cravesam for more tips on how to use a cardboard box!