What are you having for dinner? Whatever the hell you want. That’s right people, the days of baked trout and boiled vegetables are over. Imagine going up to your younger self, as he stares down the mystery meat that mom made, resting untouched on his plate, and say, “Buddy, there’s going to come a time when you can have pizza every night if you want it, for breakfast too, even.” Imagine how the face of little you would just light up.
For example, I went through a period of time when I just wanted a brownie and a margarita for dinner. So I had a brownie and margarita for dinner. And damn, that was a good time.
I have to go to the bathroom. You know, what? I’m going to get up and go. Remember the elementary school classroom where you had to raise your hand and ask the shrew teacher if you could obey your bodily functions? What a croc of b.s. They can take that hall pass and shove it up their asses. I’m an adult! If I want to drink 2 gallons of water today, I’m going to do it and spend every 22 minutes walking to the john and then I’m going to call it living life.
What time are you going to sleep? Whenever the hell you want. Remember this word, “bedtime?” Remember how your parents would lord that word over you like it was going out of style. Remember, “No more tv, it’s time for bed!” Some nights I watch movies like Working Girl or The Deer Hunter late into the night, even when I have to get up early the next day, sleep be damned! And I have a wonderful time.
No one ever asks you what you want to be when you grow up. Isn’t that nice? You are what you are, be it trash collector, booze fiend, womanizer or hound dog. People take you at face value, allowing you to just be. Even if they pity you silently… well, at least you're not peppered with, "so, why do you want to be an airline pilot?"
Chores are up to you. My parents likened my sister and I to a live-in waitstaff of insolent servants. There were always dishes to be washed, rugs to be vacuumed and a long list of other stuff that our parents reminded (bitched) us about. As an adult, I truly enjoy placing a dirty dish in a sink and knowing that I will get to it when I get to it. Whenever that will be.
So the next time an unexpected bill comes in the mail, dear reader, remember that you can still have that column of Pringles for dinner. And that’s pretty special