Walk Like a Man

I don’t care about your buddy Eduardo, and what a great opener he is when you and your boys are out at the club.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

I don’t know you, I don’t want to, I’m here to tell you that your wingman is crap.


Listen, I wish I could help you with several guaranteed openers that will make you the king of your group of peanut-gallery buddies. But women are tough. Particularly when they travel in packs all hooched up together. It’s like their shorts skirts and high heels give them some sort of built-in swagger and a sense of entitlement for free drinks and cackling at guys they find beneath them. All I can do, buddy, is offer up some humble tips, and say good luck.


Don’t tell her to “smile” as your opener. That’s not an opener. That’s crap. Every pretty girl gets told to “smile” by some rand-o while she’s walking down the street. Telling some babe to smile is not the key to a long conversation with her. Chicks hear that all the time and it’s annoying as f*ck. It’s not cute, it’s not clever, it’s not anything, don’t do it.


If you can do an accent well, talk to her in an accent. I know this sounds wonky and random, but women love foreign guys. No matter how douche-y a foreign guy looks or acts, a lady will overlook it for a little while, because he’s got the dreamy accent. A foreign accent takes an average joe and bumps him up a few notches, so if you’re a six out of ten, you become an eight. Now that's worth trying.


Don’t say crap that doesn’t mean anything, to which a woman can only respond with, “yeah.”

For example:

Dude:  “ Some night, huh?”

Chick:   “Yeah.”


Dude:   “Really crowded in here, right? “

Chick:   “Yeah.”


Dude:   “Wow, a lot of people drinking in this bar.”

Chick:   “Yeah.”

When guys do that, I’m thinking, why are you talking to me? Why are you talking to anyone? Why do you have the gift of speech?


If you can flatter her in a slick way, and still keep your balls in a pair, do it. Let’s get real. Women didn’t put on those barbed-wire g-strings because they feel so nice. They did it so that they would have no panty line when they wore their butt-pants or butt-skirts. And they did that so it would all look good when YOU were looking at their butts. So pay her a compliment in a way that doesn’t make you seem like a sycophantic ball-less fool. AT THE SAME TIME: don’t compliment her outfit, her shoes, her bag, her physical appearance as every dude is going to try that– and if she's hot, she hears it all the time. Compliment her car. You’ll sound like her dad, which is what she wants, in a weird and repressed way. For example, "I saw that Neon you rolled up in. Nice."


And if all else fails, get a dog. You know why.