No, You Can’t Drink That Anymore, Part 1

All the adult beverages you shouldn't (or can't) imbibe

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

A single man's life is a pretty stunning thing when you get older. Just ask CRAVE's own Lane Cummings, she seems to know how what it means to be an adult! The absolute freedom you have to eat, kill, and drink whatever you want is awesome.

Except of course when you're lying on the bathroom floor for a day. Trust me, I know!

You're not in college anymore (if you are still in college wait to read this article after graduation) and there are rules now. You live in a society were spoiled anything should be avoided…even if you're trying to save some money. Here's some things true and false about adult beverages:

"Beer before liquor, get sick quicker. Liquor before beer, in the clear!" FALSE

We all had iron stomachs back in college. "Hey man, I'm done with this vodka cran and shot of 151, gimme a Guinness extra stout stat!" Your liver has been through that abusive relationship. She's not going to return your calls anymore. No more mixing drinks.

If you were operating a tractor on a Missouri farm and pulled up in your pickup truck to the "Tater Tot" bar, THEN and ONLY THEN are you allowed to have a Budweiser with a whiskey sidecar. I'm not opposed to switching things up late game to mellow out before the buzz steamrolls you, but c'mon, take it easy before the 7th inning stretch padre.

"Opened beer is still good the next day…" FALSE

You don't know who else thought their beer was yours last night. Stale beer? Never in the clear. And unless you like the mouth herpes that Dan just contracted from your ex-girlfriend (double zing!) avoid this uncouth practice immediately.

"…if you kept it in the fridge." TRUE

It's like the "five second rule" just expanded over the course of a few hours. Hey, all chemical reactions stop at absolute zero temperature! Just saying…

"Opened wine is still cool to drink the next day." TRUE

But only in the 24 hours since the bottle was opened. The cultured French drink a little red wine the morning after a party; it helps the digestion of all those cheeses. At least that's how it went in my erotic short story where I score with two French exchange students.

But if I come back to your apartment for next week's bacchanalia and I see that same bottle of Two Buck Chuck sitting out again I'll beat you with it.

"Tequila/Vodka/Rum/Etc. makes me make bad choices." FALSE

Guess what drama king/queen, you are now responsible for ALL YOUR ACTIONS! If you get smashed up with just one shot of Jose, hit on the wrong lady, then end up ass over tea kettle down my apartment steps it's not the tequila's fault. Tequila doesn't care, tequila doesn't think, tequila doesn't dream of electric sheep.


Didn't think I could fit a Phillip K. Dick reference in this article did ya? …Did ya, dad!?

Either drink to have a good time in moderation, or not. And if you know that you have an Achilles' heel to a certain booze then avoid it! Why tempt the drinking gods to smite you once more? Hath thou never learned?        


Stay tuned to CRAVE Online for "No, You Can't Drink That Anymore, Part 2"!

And follow me @cravesam to report any questions, concerns, or morning after confessions.