So, once again the overlords at CraveOnline have asked me to come down to HQ and hop into the company inter-dimensional portal. Though, due to budget cuts the higher-ups at Crave have had to sell the advertising rights.
It’s now the “Old Navy Inter-Dimensional Portal.”*(By law, I’m required to tell you that Old Navy offers wonderful deals on denim, yoga pants, and flip-flops.)
I was actually quite excited about this new mission. My target has directed some of my favorite films since the early 90’s. Now, he’s a popular director, podcaster, writer, and poop/shark enthusiast.
My Destination: Earth 7,324
My Target: Kevin Smith
I step out of the wormhole into Earth 7,324’s version of Red Bank, NJ. The weather is mild and the skies are clear. I was told Kevin Smith could be found working at a local 24-hour Fitness location.
As I walk into the gym, I immediately see the recognizable face of my target. Though, sometime is off. Mr. Smith is not the Mr. Smith I know. He’s built more like a UFC fighter than the husky director we know. He’s macho, gruff.
I approach him with caution. Kevin looks up from the bench press he is sitting on.
CK: Mr. Smith?
KS: Um… What’s up?
CK: Yeah, this is going to be strange. But I’ve come here from an alternate version of earth. And on my home planet, you’re a very well known film director.
KS: Like movies?
CK: Yes, like movies.
KS: I hate movies. Too much dialogue in movies today.
CK: Funny you should say that. Can I ask you some questions?
KS: If you spot me.
CK: Um… okay.
(I position myself behind the bench press. Kevin Smith take his shirt off revealing his toned six-pack)
KS: So you said what? You’re from another dimension?
CK: Yeah, on my version of earth you started your career in indie film and now you’ve branched out into Internet radio, comics, live performance – you name it.
KS: Lame. Am I rich?
CK: I think it’s safe to say you’re wealthy.
KS: How many chicks do I slam?
CK: I’m sorry, how many chicks do you…
KS: “Slam.” You know, “bone.” What’s funny?
CK: I’m sorry. If anything, my version of Kevin Smith knows a hundred euphemisms for sex. It’s strange to hear you say something so… pedestrian. You’re married. I actually have a picture. You photographed her for Playboy.
KS: (inspecting the picture) Nice. And what do I look like?
CK: It’s nothing.
KS: What do I look like?
CK: Let’s just say… you’ve had some issues with your weight.
KS: I’m a fat guy!?!
CK: You’re heavy, sure. Though, most of the public attention about your weight comes from your own acknowledgement of it. You’ve decided to own it, which is actually pretty cool.
KS: Oh, f-ck!
CK: Now you sound like Kevin Smith.
KS: Take me with you back to your home planet. We gotta kill this asshole.
CK: Wait, wait… You want to kill the other dimensional version of yourself?
KS: Yes! Let’s kill this fat mother-cker! He’s making me look bad!
CK: This is actually similar to the plot of one of your films.
CK: Yeah, you write a lot of dialogue about sex, smoking weed-
KS: I never smoke. My body is a temple.
CK: Right. Smoking weed, and a lot of pop-culture references. Namely “Star Wars.”
KS: What's “Star Wars?”
CK: You’re joking.
KS: Callin’ me a liar? I’ll crack your f-cking head open!
CK: Could it be the reason you’re so different on my version of earth is because you’ve never seen “Star Wars?”
KS: Is that like a movie?
CK: Yeah, it’s a movie. George Lucas. Harrison Ford. Carrie Fisher.
KS: Yeah I don’t know who they are. Are you going to spot me or what?
CK: I think I should go.
KS: Wait… before you leave, you think maybe you and me want to slip in the locker-room shower and… you know, touch one another’s package?
CK: I have to go.
KS: Wait! Wait!
CK: Dude, I have to go!
KS: I want you inside me.
CK: I’m outta here.
And that was my meeting with Earth 7,324’s version of Director Kevin Smith. I returned a much-changed man.
Keep it tuned to CraveOnline!