I Swear My Hummer Is Necessary

Three 'honest' advertisements for the vehicular monstrosities known as Hummers.

Zack S. Westby Zack S. West

I saw an ad in an old magazine I was flipping through during my 'morning rituals', and I came across an add for a Hummer. This wasn't the back of the Village Voice, I'm talking about the car. Or, not really a car… we'll call it a Mobile Castle. Seriously, the thing is a Behemoth. I am aware we all know this, but at some point we just accepted it. And we shouldn't. My tiny little Acura Integra should not be sharing the roads with a vehicle more defensible than the Rohan Fortress at Helm's Deep.


Now I just wanna see a Hummer driving straight through the army.

Maybe doing doughnuts.

So, back to the ad, the Hummer was on a beautiful mesa in the middle of some beautiful place with mesas. And looking at the expansive scenery, and the clearly difficult route the Hummer must have taken to get there, I thought but one thing. Nobody actually does this.

Nobody drives out to the middle of beautiful nowhere just to experience it in their awesome Hummer. They drive to the grocery store and trap Mini Coopers in their wheel well. They drive to yoga and park taking up six spots. They go to Monster Truck shows and give the Crushinator performance anxiety. They aren't super adventure vehicles, waiting to take you away to a far off land and show you the majesty of the universe. They are daily use transport that could just happen to take an RPG blast to the passenger's side door on your commute to work. You know, if it came up.

In lieu of this realization, I decided to come up with a new ad campaign for Hummer. It's a line of ads entitled "I Swear My Hummer Is Necessary." Please imagine these recited by earnest voice over actors, over footage of a Hummer driving around looking awesome. Maybe in the background, there are a few snare drums, beating out a flaccid march. A lone flute pipes in with a ghostly, hollow melody evoking the pain and triumph of the revolutionary war. These are Americans. And Americans love gigantic cars.


Seriously. We can't get enough of this shit.


Spot 1 "Farmer's Market Hummer"

MAN: Ya know, my friends made fun of me when I first bought a Hummer. They all drive hybrids and recycle. But every week, when we all meet up at the Farmer's Market, they have to drive up that thirty yards of bumpy, rocky unpaved road to get to the parking area. Their Japanese go-karts cough and sputter all the way to the top, leaving their drivers shaken and emotionally exhausted. This is one of the leading causes of poor produce selection. When I drive up the hill, not only does it feel like laying naked in a hammock on a warm summer day, but once I get up there, the hill is paved and crying. Take that, only piece of nature I experience more than once a month! Hummer – No Terrain Is Safe!


Spot 2 "Likes To Live Dangerously Hummer"

MAN: I live in a pretty bad neighborhood, so when I bought a Hummer, it was a practical decision. After my Buick was stripped for parts and left on blocks, my Ford was stolen and my sweet Dodge Challenger was used to hide a body, a Hummer seemed like the only logical choice. Now, I wouldn't give it up for the world. Not only do I no longer have to worry about theft, but I can drive to the worst parts of town, and as long as I am safely within my Hummer, I can get right in the middle of turf wars and showdowns for a front row seat. It's gotten to a point where I try to start a riot every day on my way to work, just cause it's more interesting to watch than rush hour traffic. Hummer – Now That's Practicality!


Spot 3 "Love Is A Battlefield Hummer"

WOMAN: A lot of people are surprised that I am a woman owning a Hummer. Most people think they're just for men with small penises, but I like to think that women with small breasts have just as much to compensate for. As a husky A-cup, I have had a lot of difficulty on the dating scene. Not since I got a Hummer. All I have to do is find a charming, attractive pedestrian and run his ass over. Then, I rush out of my Hummer to help him, drive him to the hospital, and apologize profusely. Now, I'm not only the girl that saved his life, but I'm still the girl with a freaking Hummer that could murder him at any moment. My roving death machine saved my romantic life. Hummer – Less Ethical and More Invasive Than Plastic Surgery.