George Lucas, not content with the irreparable damage he did when creating the prequels, has now decided to further tarnish the memory of Star Wars by ruining one of the series most poignant moments.
The scene where Darth Vader finally freed himself from the shackles of Darth Sidious, throwing his former master several thousand feet to his death, is one that was once delivered in complete silence. However, Lucas now wants to alter what was once considered a perfect moment in cinema by adding dialogue. What dialogue? Only Vader’s infamous elongated “Nooooo” from Revenge of the Sith, because that went down so well the first time.
So what other things should Lucas “improve upon” in time for the Blu-ray release of the Star Wars collection? Here are 5 things that I believe have been missing from this classic series.
Replace Cantina music with Dubstep
Would the inhabitants of a futuristic world really spend their spare time listening to jazz, Mr Lucas? Of course they wouldn’t. Greedo would stand on the bar fist-pumping while Han and Chewie dry-humped a couple of blue alien chicks in the corner. Replace those saxophones for turntables and you’ve pretty much won over the entirety of that coveted 18-24 demographic. Imagine how many more copies of Kinect Star Wars you’ll sell!
Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker DNA results revealed on Maury
“No – I am your father.”
That’s a bit subtle, isn’t it George? One of the most infamous plot twists in cinema history surely deserves a more grandiose reveal than that? So why not inject a little bit of 21st century pop culture into the mix, huh? Here’s a snippet of dialogue that I’ve penned just for you:
Maury: The DNA results reveal that Darth Vader… IS Luke’s father!
Darth Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
There you go George – you can have that one for free.
Chewbacca is subtitled
Just think of the possibilities George! Sure, it may ruin the comic rapport between Han and Chewie if all of the lovable oaf’s snarls are translated for the audience, but I’m sure with your dialogue expertise you could conjure up magic. I’m thinking something along these lines…
Luke: Well, take care of yourself, Han. I guess that's what you're best at, isn't it?
Han: Hey, Luke… May the Force be with you.
Chewbacca: OH NO SHE DIDN’T!
Hayden Christensen dubs all of James Earl Jones’ lines
The prequels’ transition from the monotone 20-something-year-old vocal chords of Hayden Christensen to the whisky-gargling booming voice of James Earl Jones was an unconvincing one, and all this business with Vader’s added dialogue has already caused enough of a stir in the Star Wars community.
So George, why not just edit out Jones completely? Sure people will be annoyed initially, just as they were annoyed when you edited out the old Anakin in Return of the Jedi, but they’ll get used to it eventually. And that Hayden boy, well, he’s a mighty fine actor. In Jumper not only did he express sadness, he also expressed happiness, too. He’s one to watch.
Darth Vader’s helmet is made by Apple
Think about it. What a tremendous piece of product placement. It’s not too improbable to consider the possibility that Apple hardware might have made its way to other galaxies by now, taking into account the velocity in which it has consumed Earth. So who’s to say that Sidious wouldn’t revive his star protégée with it?
Apple has excellent customer support, after all, and if you’re going to be emperor of the galaxy then you wouldn’t want to find yourself peeping out of a computerised helmet running on Vista, would you?