It was very hard trying to track down these loathsome reviews on Yelp.com. But we did it! We have found for you the absolute best of the worst as far as reviews go.
Some of it is gross, some of it heart-wrenching, all of it true!* If you find yourself venturing too close to one of these hot-spots, you might want to have a second thought about it after reading some of these!
Check 'em out!
1. Cantone’s Pizza — Long Island, NY.
“So like, we walk in there, right? And that funny lil guy – I dunno – Gino? The guy that owns the place? He’s standing in there like a mook wiping down the counter. So anyways we walk in there, and me and my boys are all f-cked up from watching the Yankees over at Sammy’s. They LOST. I don’t want to talk about it. Gonzales didn’t f-cking have it. He’s a mook. You know what I’m saying. And my boy Tommy’s been drinking seven and soda since noon and he’s in the bag, screaming that he’s gotta take a leak! So I says to Gino, ya’ know, the owner, “Yo, Gino give Tommy da keys to da bathroom!” And Gino’s got like this f-cking look on his face. And honestly, dude, I would not be telling you this if it weren’t true… Gino says we gotta f-cking buy something before he lets Tommy use the bathroom! What kinda backwards-ass bastard bullshit is that, huh? Buy something? I says, “Gino, why you acting like a queer?” Gino shakes his head “no” and tells us to get lost. I says, “Gino, I’m gonna come back behind your counter and crack your queer f-cking head open! You see those sick f-cking rims on my car?” My boys had to pull me out kicking and f-cking screaming. Definitely, don’t go to Cantone’s Pizza. That queer guy, Gino, is a bastard.”
2. Essence Bar – Los Angeles, CA.
“I hated this place! So Dusty (I hooked up w/ him :-)), the door guy, like, totally promised to get me on the list, and when I showed up he was all like, “We’re full.” We’re full? Excuse me? Pencil-d*ck motherf-cker. But Trish and Kimmy started flirting with one of the barbacks who was outside having a smoke and totally got us in. LOL. So we’re inside having a great time and this guy comes over and starts talking to Trish and she’s laughing and having a good time and then this guy says he owns the place. And we’re all like, “awesome! We love it here!” And he invites us up into his office and we ask if he has any blow and he takes out an eight ball and we all get sooo f-ing high. But I think it was laced with something because we all woke up like five hours later and I have a bunch of bruises on my thigh… Essence Bar sucks! They will drug and molest you!” LMFAO
3. “The Pit” – The Mortal Kombat Netherealm
“Let me start off by saying I don’t usually do this kind of stuff, but after my experiences at “The Pit,” I can’t keep my mouth closed anymore… Not that I can really open my mouth… You see, I have a protective shield over most of my face that protects me from fire balls and blade attacks. Anyways, when I first arrived at the Pit I thought, “What a nice place!” Decorative skulls reflecting off the purple sky. So pretty. Then, all of a sudden, the manager – some prick named Shao Khan – said that my table wouldn’t be ready for another 15 minutes! Ugh!!! And to top it off? They told us they were out of free-breadsticks, which is bullshit, because the people next to us kept getting free-breadsticks all the time! F-ck this place. Parking also sucks a d*ck.”
4. Fun-time Playground – Naperville, IL
“I have a big boat and it name is Terry. I name it Terry because my dog name is Terry. I do not like Fun Time because when I was there I lost my mitten. I look all over for it. I could not find. Many people go to fun time but they do not wait to use the big slide. The big slide is my favorite and I get pushed by people who use big slide. One boy named Jimmy peed on the jungle gym and no one ever clean it. Now I cannot use the jungle gym because it is soaked in Jimmy pee. I hope my parent never take me here again. I rather kill me."
– Johnny (age 6)
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*in case you haven't realized, none of these are factual.