UK vs. USA: Celebrity Deathmatch

The battle continues as we look at who has the best celebs!

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

Right now I am staring at a British newspaper: the front cover reads “Simon Cowell: My three-in-a-bed secret”, yet on page 6 there is a report on an innocent Iraqi civilian being tortured by the UK military. In the 21st century there is no balance, only orange men with bright white teeth and a bulging bank balance. With that being said, here’s yet another article about celebrities.

Now more than ever we are completely enamoured with them. Decades ago we would stare longingly at billboards and just dream of a life like the ones lived by the stars of the silver screen, now we scroll through the internet awaiting images of them crashing and burning. This semi-sadistic fascination with celebrities is none more apparent than in the UK or the USA, where entire magazines can be devoted to their everyday wanderings. If we are ever going to finally decide which is better of our two countries, then it is only right that we should analyse those that we hold in the spotlight.


The Good

Photo Credit: Adriana M. Barraza /

Celebrities and charity go hand in hand. What better way to raise your profile than to plaster your smirking face on AIDs campaigns, ay? World hunger, that’s a good one too. If only that bastard Bono hadn’t gotten there first.

It’s difficult to judge celebrities for doing charity work, but when one recent example was a “Twitter Silence” that saw the likes of Usher and the Kardashians simply not tweeting until a certain quota of donations were made (the whole thing failed miserably, by the way), it’s difficult to view most of their charitable exploits as nothing more than thinly-veiled ego boosts. But then there’s Angelina Jolie.

Not content with simply being a shining beacon of beauty in a world filled with fugly’s and ugmo’s, Angelina Jolie is also incredibly charitable and – here’s the killer – she barely tells anyone about it. No chat show appearances explaining how she was sent on a mission from God to heal the world, no pre-arranged paparazzi shots of her handing $20 to a homeless guy: she simply does these things out of kindness.

Still, hasn’t she been looking thin lately? And that thing with Jennifer Aniston OMG! What a slut!


The Bad

Photo Credit:

Remember when people used to become celebrities out of circumstance because their talent had led to them being recognised by the world? Me neither. We’re living in an age where the majority have seen the pitfalls of fame, yet continue to try to acquire it all the same.

If fame is what you’re looking for, then it’s really not that big of an aspiration. Although your time in the spotlight may be short all you need do is turn up on a reality show and start waggling your genitalia: that’s $20,000 right there. Have an affair with a D-list celebrity and you can bump that up to $40,000. In the 21st century the key to a prosperous life is to thrust your crotch in the lenses of as many cameras as possible. If that fails, be a disagreeable slimeball and hope MTV comes knocking on your door.

Right now as I stare vacantly at the final of the UK Celebrity Big Brother I wonder, “Would Humphrey Bogart have gotten along with Jedward had he been in the house?”


The Verdict

It’s too difficult to call. Both countries have equal amounts egomaniacal narcissists as they do dim-witted reality show contestants. However, thanks to Jolie The Almighty you Yanks just edge it slightly.

Honestly, she’s like a Mother Theresa you can masturbate to without feeling ashamed afterwards.


UK: 2

USA: 5


Header Image Photo Credits: Angelina Jolie – Ian Wilson/   Amy Childs –