Signs You’re Going to Get Married Someday… and Then Divorced

Feel like saving yourself $10,000 minimum in legal fees, imminent years of therapy and a lot of bullshit? 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Oh honey. I’m not saying you won’t tie the old knot—you will, you will indeed.You’re going to find that girl, who’s worth betting the damn farm on, and you’re going to hernia-the-cash out for the ring, come up with some wacky way to pop the question (kite-sailing in Columbia! I don’t know!), you’ll do the chicken dance like all the other a-holes at the wedding and you’ll pump out some kids. How many? Well, you’ll have enough to F-up irrevocably. Because, dear friend, a few years down the line, you’re going to realize that his union can’t stomach the long term (or maybe just you) and before you know it, you’ll be writing checks to the law firm of Bullshit and Suck Mine.

Read on. Here are some signs that you’re going to be an eventual divorcee.

You use ketchup with nearly every meal. Bear with me on this. While I’m a big devotee to ketchup, I don’t use it on every damn thing. Thus of you who use it on everything from eggs to rice to pasta to chicken to Hamburger Helper, are actually using it as a tool to justify your own inner sense of non-commitment. You see, ketchup is sweet, it’s salty, savory, sour and something else. It does not commit to one dominant taste and you find something comforting in that. Like the way you introduce your girlfriend as your friend sometimes.

People have told you you’re a bad listener. Your dude friends have said this in jest, saying things like “you can’t remember shit” or “You ramble on like a bitch about her period” but the reality is, if you’re a bad listener, you’re relationship is pretty much doomed—why? Because you’re in it with a woman, and women need to be listened to AND MORE. We expect you to garner patterns from the things we’re saying and pick up on nuances about the thigns we like and dislike and need and would someday like to have. If you can’t at least FAKE that you’re listening, you’re pretty much sentenced to a lifetime of singledom—why? Because any idiot can NOD, throw in YEAHs and MMM-HMMMs to the tune of some chick’s pauses. If you can’t do that, you’re a failure at life and a whole lot more.

In your life, you’ve thrown a towel on the floor. Okay, if this is you, it’s a miracle you even have a girlfriend. Throwing a towel on the floor is akin to pissing on a carpet and is something that women simply cannot live with. If somewhere in your city, a man throws a towel on the floor, a woman cringes and doesn’t want to have sex, for reasons she can’t explain. And deep down, you know this towel-throwing irks women so much, SO to engage in it only means that your F-ed up self wants to sabotage this and any other relationship the universe throws you.

You’re an only child. Only children usually have a pile of neuroses, so good night and good luck, freak shows!