Female Behavior Uncoded!

You’re instincts are right: you really don’t know anything about women.

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Say you’re sitting across from a pretty young thing on a first date. Or more likely, in your case, a so-so looking girl you cajoled and conned to go out with you. Say you’re plopped on the couch next to your girlfriend of way-too-long. She says something. She does something. You’re drawing blanks. Or more likely, you’re assuming you know what the hell is going on.

The world is laughing my friend. And it’s laughing at you.

Let’s take a look at what’s really going on.

She says: It’s up to you. You choose.

You guys could be talking about choosing a movie or a restaurant or discussing a sexual position.

What it really means: Find a way to make me happy and fast.

A panini isn’t going to cut it. Neither will downward dog.

She says: This beer is really hoppy.

What it really means: You’re a disappointment on wheels.

No girl, unless she grabs you by your Adam’s apple and says “get me a really hoppy beer, or I’ll kill you” wants a hoppy beer. I hate to delve into clichés, but yeah, we’re women. Garments like skirts and ruffles are designed exclusively for us. We generally like fruity, sweet stuff. Remember The Virgin Suicides? No, you don’t because you didn’t see it, a-hole. “Peach Schnapps. Babes love it.” If you hand a woman a hoppy beer and say “here, this is for you” you might as well hand her a rugby ball and say, “I’m a moron, go toss this around.”

She says: That bartender was so nice.

Ha ha! You should catch on to this one, thick-o. This is a clever little gem that women use to deliver seemingly unimportant information that’s actually loaded with meaning.

What it really means: That bartender was flirting with me, wants to jump my bones and use your bound and gagged body as a mattress for our sex-a-thon. Oh and, he gave me this drink free, plus asked me to do a shot with him while you were holding down this table.   

And what is the point of these shenanigans? Two things. To let you know that she is desired by other men, even though she’s out with your ass (who knows why) and to get your attention. Admit it, you’ve checked out the score of the game on the tv at the bar. You’ve had a glance at the other “talent” in the room. You know damn well what’s up.