Idiot’s Guide To Untagging Facebook Photos

I'll show YOU how to keep your job, friends, and pride! All in one handy guide! BONUS: Embarrassing photos of me inside! Something that rhymes with -ide!

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

The identity of friends, enemies, and acquaintances of Sam Weller have been changed or modified to protect their privacy and dignity. Sam Weller however, has no where to run and no legal recourse against CRAVE Online in any and all circumstances. Dance monkey Sam, dance!

 

Ahh, Facebook. The perennial punching bag of my Historectomy co-host Christian Krauspe, and the social resource we complain about yet can't do without. Face it (no pun intended) building up Facebook's cred is only going to end in our number of 'likes' determining whether we live or die by the High Zuckerberg council of 2034.

 

Just like what you did last summer (timely reference!) Facebook knows everything about you.

 

But until that day happens, your friends, your family, everyone has the ability to see the embarrassing college hazing days of your youth. Self-imposed or not. And no, they DON'T care that it was "just a Halloween party" or "the meth talking". Law and Order SVU taught me that anything can be used against you in a court of law (legally gained or not, damn you detective Stabler!) and so you need to protect yourself through a weekend of 'Untagging'.

What follows is a handy guide, featuring yours truly, to teach you what to 'Untag' yourself from.

 

1. Any photo of you imbibing, talking to, or praying for booze.

 

 

Employers always have a strong stance against this. Even if their own Facebook profiles are filled with them doing blow with Dustin Hoffman while Arabian slave girls massage their privates…allegedly…they'll still hold this against you.

 

Also, hold off on including your name on a lot of party photos. Even if you aren't seen doing anything incriminating it can still lead to this face later…

 

 

2. Avoid being "Mr. Abs" (or ass, or boobs, or…well, anything)

 

 

I'm a dude, so this mainly goes for "studly" guys that like to show off too much. But can also count if you are a young lady who "loooooves" to show their "assets" off.

 

This photo (taken from a low resolution camera phone) is Exhibit A in douchery. Yes, I did just will that word into existence. Note: the clenched abdomen trying to establish definition, the random throwing of gang signs, the giant bling jewelry, the shades worn indoors at night in a poorly lit room, and finally, the too-low boxers barely masking my "Anthony Wiener"-esque white man bulge. 

 

So ladies, interested in dating this guy? No? Huh, but I thought all that would work on you my Sophomore year of college…

 

Here's the secret to this photo. It's a joke. I took it with a friend to be IRONIC. Guess what doesn't expose on a photograph? IRONY. 

 

3. Half-closed eyes

 

 

"Hey, hey SAAAAaaaammm! Dude, dude…just look over here! YEAH! That's badassssss man!"

(Momentary pause)

"…awwww DUUUDE! YOU LOOK SO F***** UP! HAHA HAH! FACEBOOK!"

(I answer)

"YEAH! FACEBOOK!"

 

4. Photos that feature "confusing" gestures, clothing and hair choices, and a general sense of misrepresentation

 

 

I look like N*Sync's 1999 tour bus ran over me. Then I put gel in my hair. And got an earring. Please, please make it stop. Let's move on. No one knows who this is right? Good. Cause he's dead. Cause I killed him.

 

5. You look too pissed off to be likeable

 

 

Yeah, that's me. Sitting in a parking lot, smoking a cig, sipping a Nos energy drink and looking at the person taking the photo like they're dead to me. Don't get caught in a similar situation. Try to look as positive as possible and don't frown. Even if you are REALLY REALLY pissed off. 

Look, I'm not asking you to put Vaseline on your teeth, but don't go around in a silk smoking jacket looking like you hate people. No body wants to talk to that guy. Not even Run DMC there to my left.

 

For more advice on our eventual cultural collapse due to Facebook, follow me here @cravesam