The Best Part About Your Crappy Office Job

No, I'm not talking about the tantric sex you have with the quirky looking girl in your oddly dungeon-esque office. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

Here’s the thing. Your job is completely terrible. It’s soul-less and it pays you in a way that makes me think someone out there wants you to jump off a bridge someday soon. The color scheme in the office alone could make a bottle of anti-depressants spring to life, weeping.

Your work is beneath you. You could finish all the tasks for your eight hour work day in an hour and 45 minutes, but they make you stretch them all out into a full shift, and commute, fighting traffic, to get there.

Even so, there are some good, no make them, PRECIOUS things about your crappy office job. And I promise, none of the things on the list below are going to even bother trying to celebrate the joys of free office supplies (oooh, pencils and notepads!), health insurance or your lunch hour. We’re digging for some real gold here.

You can take breaks no one knows about.  Unless you rip off your jacket, loosen your tie and shut off your computer and go sit with a 40-ouncer on the curb outside your office building, no one knows when exactly you’re being completely productive and when you’re not. There now, take a long piss in the men’s room. Floss it out! Write a nice long email to your mom. Watch the latest Youtube sensation on silent or at a very low volume. If you’re feeling daring, start riding the elevators. Visit some other floors in the building! Make friends! Have an adventure. Go through the fridge in some other company’s break room. Do it, do it, do it!

Every office has some eye candy. Even yours, Mr. Whiny. So the next time you feel like taking the metal trays out of the fridge in the break room and curling up in the fridge and dying because your will to live was so low, take a good long look at the office eye candy. She’s doing well. The office eye candy usually wears something short and tight. Enjoy. And maybe once you get your head out of your ass, you could ask her out to some happy hour drinks, fool.

You can expose the laziness of your co-workers for fun. I know this is kind of a-hole-esque, but it is definite fun and it makes you feel better about your own lax productivity goals, so why not? Start making rounds in the office, sticking your head into people’s cubicles and other realms. While you’re there, make a point to look at their computers. Over half of your co-workers will be farting around online, I guarantee it. Make sure to notice and make sure they notice you notice. Resume your conversation and then leave quickly, briskly walking back to your desk with a sense of urgency and importance. Trust me, this will really pass the time.