Every Friday you will join me in Bar Fiction, a magical place where the rich, famous and/or beautiful come to drown their sorrows after a long week spent in the spotlight. This week we’re joined by Lost in Translation star and newfound nudist Scarlett Johansson.
You: Err, is that…?
Me: Scarlett Johansson? Yes, you’ll be pleased to know that it is.
You: Wow. She looks much hotter in real life.
Me: Why, didn’t you find her attractive in her films?
You: She was OK, but she just had a very obvious beauty.
Me: Obvious? As opposed to what other kind of beauty?
You: Y’know; the more subtle, unnoticeable beauty. Like Uma Thurman, or Barbra Streisand, or that ginger from Desperate Housewives with the ceramic face.
Me: Have you seen the photos?
You: The photos?
Me: Yeah, you know, the “photos”.
You: Oh. Yes, of course I have seen the photos.
Me: What did you think?
You: They were alright.
Me: That’s Scarlett Johansson, the World’s Sexiest Woman, NAKED!
You: They weren’t the right angles.
You: Yeah. The boob shot was all wrong. If you’re going to take a photo of your boobs, then make sure it’s a full frontal. If it’s not full frontal then don’t even bother. No one wants to see sideway boob, it’s a complete waste of time.
Me: What about the other one?
You: Well, there’s not a lot of room for experimentation in an ass shot.
Me: Did you know there’s a new trend called Scarlett Johanssoning, where girls take photos of their backsides in the mirror?
You: Cool. Still, it’s no planking, is it? Planking is sooooo awesome. One time me and my friend Dave planked on the roof of Walmart, and –
Me: Yeah I get it. So, what d’you think a famous multi-millionaire like her is doing in a depressing little bar filled with depressed little men like us?
You: I really don’t know. She’s above average looking, rich, one of The Avengers and her husband is sooo dreamy.
You: Yeah, her husband Ryan Reynolds.
Me: They’re divorced…
You: WHAT?! Why didn’t you say so?! Now’s my chance!
Me: I thought you didn’t find her that attractive?
You: Yeah, when she was married. Now that she’s single it’s completely different. She is single, right?
Me: I think so, although she was recently dating Sean Penn.
You: Sean Penn? How?!
Me: I’m not sure. Mutual friends, I think.
Me: Well he’s a talented, rich and intelligent guy.
You: Yeah, but he’s got those squinty little hungry raccoon eyes. All his facial features look like they’re meeting up at a conference being held on his nose.
Me: True, but he has got one thing you don’t.
You: What’s that?
Me: An Oscar.
You: I could get an Oscar.
You: All I have to do is work on my Colin Firth.
Me: Your Colin Firth?
You: Yeah, y’know, “She sells sea shells by the bloody sea shore you bloody idiot”.
Me: I don’t think that’s enough to –
You: “The rain in Spain stays mainly in the bloody plain!”
Me: Oh, you haven’t finished.
You: “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!”
Me: That’s Michael Caine.
You: “Luke I’m your bloody father you bloody Jedi!”
Me: This has gone too far.
Photo Credit: Apega/WENN.com