Well the last Twilight movie is due out soon and Taylor Lautner’s Abduction, also known as his living tribute to Tom-Cruise or his failure to conceal his smoldering crush on Mr. Cruise, is a stinker times a billion.
For those of you living under a rock, the tomato-meter of Rotten Tomatoes gave it 3 percent. For those of you living under a rock covered in ten tons of crap, that’s an abysmally low rating. My favorite was the take of Bill Gibron of filmcritic.com who stated, “If Abercrombie and Fitch made movies, they would look something like Abduction.”
So now that we can agree that his film career is slowly dragging the clinking chains of its imminent death rattle, let’s be kind to Mr. Lautner and think of some other careers he might embark on once he’s been pushed out of Hollywood’s game of fun.
Sponsor a Child Street Harasser. You know those kids that stand on street corners that cajole you to sponsor kids or try to make inane conversation with you when you’re in a hurry? I think that Taylor would fit right in. His good-natured quality would work well with strangers and moms would brake for him. Plus, work that involves, “Hey you, stop and give me money” seems like something his eye-candy brain can handle.
Guy that Shakes the Sprinkles on Cupcakes. Yep. Sugary and sweet. Lots of pretty colors. Get him in there.
Camp Counselor. I’ve seen this kid interviewed (oh, so I watch the Today show sometimes, big F-ing deal and shut your face). He’s got a great personality and seems nice enough. I could see him in a polo shirt, holding a clipboard and blowing on a whistle, getting ready to organize the camp scavenger hunt. The little camp girlies would all have crushes on him and he’d take his shirt off for instructional swim and everyone would titter and giggle. Good, clean, all-American fun.
Featured Extra. Say he manages to stick it out in the D-levels of Hollywood. Couldn’t you see him in a movie, smashing a beer can on his head or saying “Let’s take this outside” in the background of some bar scene? Yep.
Hostel Room Key Giver-Outer. Ever stay in a hostel? You know that guy that hangs out behind the front desk and gives you your key as well as a cheap map of the area? I think Taylor would be good at that.
Person that Pats Puppies on the Head and Says How Sweet They Are. Give him a funny hat to wear, too.