Three Cheers for the Heavy-Set Security Dude

You know that heavy-set dude that stands in front of that bar you like, with the really mean look? Well today here at Crave, we’re celebrating that dude. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

If you can't get behind our "pro-heavy-set security dude movement" well you gotta go to the back of the line! Unless you have like 4 hot girls with you for every guy, then you can come in. Seriously tho, that's how it works at these places. Bring hot friends. Its like being on the list. But we digress… here's to the big bouncer because:

He gets to hug all the pretty bartenders and cocktail waitresses. You know what I’m talking about. You ALWAYS see heavy-set bouncer dude hugging these girls like he’s sweet Uncle Jamie. He protects them. He’s the big tiger to the world, but the teddy bear to him. Isn’t that a beautiful metaphor?

He knows where the best eateries in town are. Oh no! No, she didn’t! But that’s a stereotype! Just because he’s heavy-set doesn’t mean he knows where the best places to get food are. How offensive. Look buddy, the reality is that when you are wider than a doorway, you often know where the town’s great rib joint is. And that’s how it works.


No one has a meaner look. He furrows his brow. He uses few words. If he says you can’t come in, you seldom argue. Once you saw him pick up a guy with one hand and gently toss him a few feet away. You see him and the words “mad dog” float in and out of your mind.


He Punctuates the clever language of His t-shirt just by being.

I once barely made it past a heavy-set bouncer who was wearing a t-shirt that said, “If you’re still talking, I’m about to hit you.” I gave him my ID silently, needless to say. Does anyone remember that scene in When Harry Met Sally (probably not, as this online periodical as a nearly all-male readership) when Billy Crystal was talking about how his wife intended to divorce him, hired some movers, one of which was wearing a t-shirt that said, “Don’t f*ck with Mr. Zero.”

Need I say more?