Every Friday you will join me in Bar Fiction, a magical place where the rich, famous and/or beautiful come to drown their sorrows after a long week spent in the spotlight. This week we’re joined by a rather awkward twosome in the form of Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher.
You: Wow, there are a lot of people in here tonight.
Me: It’s probably something to do with those two.
Y: Those two?
M:Yeah. See those two guys at the bar? That’s Ashton Kutcher and Charlie Sheen.
Y:Oh sh*t! The dude from Dude Where’s My Car?
Y: Ha ha, that movie was sooo chill… that scene where they ask each other where their car is and neither of them know. Awesome. Who’s the other dude?
M: You really don’t know who that is?
Y: Nah bro.
M: That’s Charlie Sheen.
M: Y’know, Charlie Sheen from Wall Street, Hot Shots, Spin City… he’s been in the news a lot recently. He kept saying the word “winning” a lot a couple of months ago.
Y: Oh, you mean the guy from that auto-tuned YouTube video?
M: Yes, he was in an auto-tuned video, but his real fame has been due to his –
Y: – that one about the rapist and the windows was the best one.
M: …anyway, Charlie Sheen has recently been in the news because of his controversial departure from Two and a Half Men, a role which Ashton Kutcher has taken over.
Y: Ouch. That’s gotta hurt. So not only has he been replaced, but he’s been replaced by a younger, better looking dude?
Y: Ashton should sort that hair out, though. It really accentuates his ears.
Y: Err, I mean, *cough*his hair makes him look like a faggot!*cough*
Y: I’m not gay.
M: Well anyway, it’s weird seeing them here drinking together considering the Two and a Half Men controversy.
Y: I think I’ve seen that show actually. Is it the one where the one guy sleeps with women and then the other guy doesn’t, and then the fat kid burps the alphabet?
M: That’s the one.
Y: Ha ha, that show’s soooo chill. I like the way that the dude’s all like “I sleep with women”, and the other dude’s like “I can’t sleep with women”, and then the fat kid’s like “Fart”.
M: Yes, it’s ingenious.
Y: I wonder how people ever come up with this kind of stuff. Like The Big Bang Theory, I mean, I don’t know anything about Science, but when the insect-looking one starts talking about neutrons I can’t help but laugh. He’s so retarded.
M: I don’t think it’s okay to use that word…
Y: What, retarded? Don’t worry, it’s cool. It’s only offensive if other retards hear you saying it.
M: I don’t think that’s the way it works…
Y: Anyway, this Two and a Half Men business. What part does Ashton Kutcher play in it?
M: He plays Walden Shmidt, a billionaire who buys the Malibu beach house after Sheen’s character dies.
Y: Is he any good?
M: Y’know how Charlie Sheen’s character was basically a walking, underdeveloped punch line?
M: Walden Schmidt is exactly the same, except the punch line is even less developed.
Y: …does he still sleep with women?
Y: Awesome! When is it on TV?
M: So that’s all you need to convince you to start watching it again? Ashton Kutcher’s character sleeping with women that Charlie would’ve?
Y: Look, it’s a tough world out there. There’s the economic crisis, people starving in Africa and innocent celebrities having private photos of their tits leaked onto the internet; sometimes it’s comforting to watch a sitcom where the characters and plot never progress in any way. If that makes me a bad person, then so be it!
M: I suppose that when people have ran out of places to turn to, they find solace in the white noise of mediocrity, hoping that it somehow lifts them away from the meager existence they’re trying to carve in a world torn apart by war and –
Y: – ”He’s climbin’ in yo windows, snatchin’ yo people up, tryna rape ‘em so you need to…” sorry, what were you saying?
M: I despise you.
Photo Credit (Ashton Kutcher): Nikki Nelson/WENN.com
Photo Credit (Charlie Sheen): Brian To/WENN.com