Why You Suck At Parenting

Some sure fire signs that you did not deserve to bear children

Kyle Krinerby Kyle Kriner

I see so many things on a daily basis that make me wonder why there are not severely strict laws on breeding.  There are a lot of idiots out there, and no matter what age a person is, all of their bad traits stem from one place; their parents.  

Now we all make mistakes, and when raising children we will make plenty of them.  Fine.  But there's a difference between making mistakes and flat out bad parenting.  A bad parent, in my opinion, doesn't learn from their mistakes.  They just continue to raise their kid the same way their moronic parents raised them without ever stopping to think "this might not be working."  Thus, every generation of idiot gets a bit douchier until they are completely unrecognizable from other functioning members of society.  There are signs of bad parenting everywhere, it corrupts the human mind and pollutes everyone's lives around it.

Here are just a few, child abuse excluded, because I'm giving you all a bit more credit in assuming that you know that's wrong. You know its wrong right? Pfffew… I was worried there for a minute. 

Is your kid 3 years old and weighs 130 pounds?  Yes?  Fail.  You are a horrible parent, and that child is better off with wolves. Wolves keep a kid thing, everyone knows this!

Listen it's not his fault he's used to eating, it's yours.  Problem is, the word "no" is the most simple word in the English language, but for some reason doesn't find its way into most parents vocabularies.  And when the parent finally does go to Maury Povich for help, and grows enough of a sack to say "no" to their behemoth of a child, it's too late.  You've been giving him a cheeseburger every time he opened his mouth for three years, what did you expect?  Regardless if you think denying them is "wrong", it has to be done.  There was no reason he should have gotten used to eating that much in the first place.  Just implement the word "no" into the kid's life, and you will have a solid foundation for the future.  Which brings me to my next point.

Is this really what you want?

When something annoying happens to you, do you call your mother for help and yell and curse at her while she tries to help you?  If so, you are a complete waste of air.

Unfortunately it's not all your fault.  Only about 90%.  The poor sweet lady you are yelling at on the other end of the phone has never uttered the word "no" to you in your life.  If she did, you would probably go nuclear.  You have been raised thinking that when something happens to you, you can throw a fit and it will get fixed.  You don't understand how to problem solve because you've never had to.  And you certainly have learned nothing about respect or boundaries, because the person who raised you was too lazy for all that.  Any time I lashed out at my mother, my dad somehow appeared to shut me up and remind me who I was talking to.  My father was a ninja. A belt wielding ninja. Too bad we didn't all have that.  So, guy on the phone throwing a hissy fit, it's not all your fault.  But that doesn't take the blame off of you.

Grow up. Or parent better… or be parented better… who am I even talking too anymore? 

Finally, I have to address one other type of parent.  I would like to send a huge middle bird to every parent who puts their child on a leash.  I don't see how putting them on a leash like the family pet solves anything.  They are not learning a thing about who's in charge, and they don't get the affection and feeling of safety they get when holding their parents hand.  Not to mention they are being publicly embarrassed.  You're branding them for life.  The kid leash is a fairly new thing still, but I can't wait to see what kind of emasculated emo cry babies these children turn into as a result of being dragged around like a circus act.  If you tie your kid up with a rope because you think you will lose him in a crowd, you have viciously failed, and their are a number of animals with a more sophisticated style of parenting than you.


Boy that kid looks happy. 

Hopefully some people read this and get it together.  But for some reason, most parents will continue thinking that it's not them.  No, it is.  I'm looking right at you.  Yeah you too, Mr. "I'd rather my kids drink and smoke here with me instead of out there where I can't watch them."  I'm looking dead at you, loser.  And I didn't forget you either, Mr. "My kid's probably picking on your kid cause your kid can't defend himself."  You are truly a jock strap moron that is going to ruin your child's life. Wake up, people.  If you're an idiot, don't have kids, because they will continue in the family business… idiocy.  And that's not fair to anyone, let alone them!