How To Become Employee Of The Month

If only I had known these truths sooner.  I wouldn't be writing this article.  Get it?  I understand if you don't, it's deep.

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

Have you ever retired home from work, put your feet up on your unstable makeshift coffee table, cracked open a bottle of light beer and then deeply considered just how underwhelming your life is? Of course you have. How could you not when you consider watching repeats of old episodes of Scrubs as your “fun time”? But there’s a way to change this. Although you’ve spent the past however many years putting in minimal effort and avoiding your co-workers like they were carrying the plague, you can still turn it all around and become the coveted “Employee of the Month”.

Here are a few pointers on how to deal with customers, colleagues and, crucially, your boss.

 

Be disagreeable

Researchers have found that disagreeable people have incomes 18% higher than that of agreeable people. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to become a colossal dickhead in order to land yourself a promotion, but it does mean that you’ll have refuse to do your routine morning coffee runs.

 

Get involved with the cool kids

At school there were those who played sports, those who read books and those who ate dirt. At work you’ve been a book reader; not revered enough to join in with the football, but not reviled enough to be left in the mud picking out the worms.

It’s time to swallow your pride and step up your game. Brush up on your knowledge of celebrities, spend a weekend doing nothing but watching ESPN, and roll back into the office with enough knowledge of useless popular trivia to earn you an invitation to the bar next Friday.

 

Be a Yes Man when necessary

Everybody hates yes men. Even yes men hate yes men – look: “Hey, Yes Man, do you hate yourself?” “Yes!” See? But your boss absolutely loves them, as it means that he can perform any controversial action, no matter how deplorable, and he’ll always have that snivelling, conniving little toad of a man enthusiastically nodding his head and applauding as he does so.

You don’t want to go overboard with the head-nodding and applause (what will the cool kids think?) but you do want to forge a rapport with your boss that ensures you’ll be the first he turns to for emotional support when he makes another one of his stupid decisions. Hey, it’s better to be a toad on the inside of the machine than a decent human being on the outside.

 

Move quickly yet do nothing

Okay, so you’ve managed to impress your co-workers and boss: now for the work. You’ve spent so many years just coasting by doing the absolute bare minimum required to earn your paycheque that doing any actual work seems unfathomable. Fortunately, there is a way to do the same amount (maybe even less) while actually impressing your colleagues.

When Steve comes by your desk to ask you about last week’s reports, simply ignore him for approximately 17 seconds whilst staring intensely at your computer monitor. On the 18th second, turn to him and say “sorry Steve, I’m really busy at the moment, I’ll talk to you about them later”. “Wow”, Steve will think to himself, “how is [insert your name here] so busy? I’m not busy… maybe I should be busy… I’ll start doing some work”. Before you know it sales percentages have increased by 4% thanks to your “strong work ethic”, and you have somehow managed to beat your previous high score on Angry Birds.