Things that blow about going to the gym.

Or a meditation on reasons not to work out. 

Lane Cummingsby Lane Cummings

The gym isn’t as comfortable as your couch. Think about it. Your couch is soft and warm, like a giant cinnamon bun. Your couch loves you. Your couch doesn’t make you pant or feel as though an imminent cardiac arrest is approaching.

Sweating. Sweating is gross. Man or woman. Sweating is ick.

Armpit hair. Armpit hair is grosser than gross. Man or woman. There should be a law against visible arm pit hair and the puke-y quality of it. And at the gym, someone is always going to flash you some armpit hair.

Feeling tired. The gym makes you expend energy, and thus feel fatigued. Your couch doesn’t have such an effect on you; rather it provides a place of repose.

Highstrung gym people. There’s always a couple people at the gym who feel they own a machine and never want you to use it. And these people are always very vocal about these feelings.

– I was using that.

 But you were on the other side of the room.

-I’m doing circuit training.

-But no one has touched this machine in 10 minutes

-I was using it and I’M NOT DONE.


Screamers and grunters. There are always a sprinkling of these types of folks at the gym. They’re usually men and they’re the ones who howl and heave when they do weight training. Their faces turn purple, they’re in a torrent of pain, and, and…. they have to let everyone know it. Ahhhh!!!

Keeping tabs on your crotch. Unless you are wearing seriously tight bicycle shorts or boxer briefs, there’s always a chance someone could sneak a peek up your leg and up to your nether areas—like when you’re doing sit-ups on a mat. Call me a prude, but do you want people to be able to see the edges of your ball sac when you’re not ready? Think about it.