Occupy Protesters VS The Robots from Real Steel

The heart of Real America hangs in the balance!

Sam Wellerby Sam Weller

They have been called "Spectacular…A Ton of Fun…four stars!" while people have also grown "increasingly concerned about the growing mobs". Some use punches, others use drum circles, but a question remains…

…who would win in a fight? Occupy Protesters or The Robots from Real Steel?

Let's go to a tale of the tape!

The Occupy Protesters bring enthusiasm and moxie to the table. Typically younger, but can also include a wily veteran or two who remembers some old civil rights chants. While the O.P.'s (as they like to be called) lack organizational skill and focus, they make up in numbers and quickly thrown together gatherings. O.P.'s may be non-violent now, but throw them an Eric Cantor or John Boehner and they'll turn into a blood-thirsty hippie/hipster violence orgy. Once they get done making their signs and costumes and finishing their tofu.

The Robots from Real Steel bring strength, speed, and intelligence to the table. Incredibly powerful, they feel no pain. But from what I've learned from the trailer they're only as good as Hugh Jackman. While Jackman's body is totally rocking I hear he got punked out by Sugar Ray Leonard on set (at least that's what he told John Stewart) so I'm assuming Hugh is just as unfamiliar with real combat as the O.P.'s are. Also, bad reviews and the perception of being "Rock Em Sock Em" robots can easily damage their morale.

Now it's time to set the stage!

Morning light floods through downtown Wall Street. For two city blocks the drums can be heard, then the loudspeaker guy. The Occupy Protesters are beginning their fight anew. Lawn chairs are unfolded and promptly sat in by sign waiving septuagenarians who have been unemployed for months, young people dance around in coin costumes and people march in circles nodding in agreement with one another. Then the robots came.



Three A-Class fight bots (I'm assuming) barrel into the scene, followed by Hugh Jackman and his partner Impressionable Boy Child (or IBC). Jackman shadowboxes himself as the robots tear into the helpless O.P.'s with metal uppercuts, fracturing many protesters' jaws and spines. IBC cheers on his hero as he stuffs his face with cheese puffs and slurps ecto-cooler.  

Some of the protesters attempt a lame human pyramid to mount a defense against the robots. But the heartless Hollywood homicidal humanoids easily pop them like grapes. The rest of O.P.'s scatter to the corners of street, attempting to seek refuge in the local Starbucks, but by now Republicans and Wall Street traders have already gotten in line for their caramel macchiatos and throw the protesters out.

Hugh Jackman and the bots seem to have things well in hand. All seems lost for the protesters, who didn't have the sufficient robot-fighting job training to hold off the onslaught. But then the reinforcements arrive, the News Media!



Anderson Cooper, Geraldo Rivera, and NPR's Yuki Noguchi circle their news vans around the remaining Occupy Protesters allowing them to regroup. Hugh Jackman, unsure if he should attack the media for fear of terrible movie reviews, is stunted to inaction. The O.P.'s, hook up to the News Media's powerful 4G WiFi connection, blog about the oppression of their American rights which draws Eric Cantor out of the nearby Starbucks to hold an impromptu press conference.


Angered by the conservative rhetoric of Cantor, the Occupy Protesters reveal their true form as Drum Circle Zombies and begin eating Wall Street executives and news media alike.

As Wall Street begins to flow with their blood of their own, Impressionable Boy Child's agent calls him and threatens a blacklisting with the Disney corporation if he doesn't get Hugh Jackman to kill the Drum Circle Zombies. IBC rallies Jackman back with a rousing speech about how Hollywood depends on the subjugation and oppression of the masses to get them to see his uplifting movies about fighting robots.


The robots (lacking a circuit for "mercy") begin tearing the D.C. Zombies' heads off one by one, but are soon overwhelmed by the mass of unemployed undead.


As the body count continues to rise, both robot and zombie are in a moral and literal quagmire. A moral quagmire because no one can agree on who should pay for Eric Cantor's caramel macchiato. A literal quagmire because the bodies of the dead have piled up so high on Wall Street no one can make heads or tails of who's winning: the D.C. Zombies? The Robots? or Impressionable Boy Child's agent?



Months pass as the terrible scene of The Hugh Zombot Wars fade from the public's memory. People just got bored of the constant bickering, the back and forth, the interminable media coverage. They began to wonder if what happened to the D.C. Zombies and Wall Street would ever end? Did it even matter? And the American public decided not to worry. Because they trusted the abilities of robots to take care of their problems. Like they always do.

Surely the numbers will add up in the end. Once it ends. If it ends.


And if America didn't like it the first time, there's always the reboot!  

Follow the author @cravesam