Balloon Fetish Is A Thing

One Texas Rangers fan thinks it’s hot to pop balloons with her butt. She is not alone.

Geoffrey Goldenby Geoffrey Golden

On the one hand, I know there are a lot of weird sexual fetishes in the world. There are furries who “yiff” one another and squashers who like to be crushed underneath absurdly fat folks. Anything you can think of is probably a fetish, but it still surprises me to learn about new ones. For example, here’s a video of a woman celebrating the Texas Rangers:

Heh. She’s talking sexily, but she’s… sitting on balloons? What? Are you supposed to get off on the loud noises? The fact that she’s trying to sit, but it’s awkward because there’s a balloon in the way? This is like children’s birthday party entertainment gone horribly wrong.

The way she announces it, “I’m gonna pop some balloons for you bad boys,” makes me think that there’s folks out there who fetishise balloon popping. Thank goodness for Wikipedia, because this probably wouldn’t have ever made its way into the Encyclopedia Britannica:

A balloon fetish is a sexual fetish that involves balloons. A balloon fetishist is also referred to as a "looner". Some balloon fetishists "revel in the popping of balloons and [others] may become anxious and tearful at the very thought of popping balloons". Others enjoy blowing up balloons or sitting and lying on them.

And there you have it. Looners! That’s a thing! However, as Wikipedia says, it’s not as simple as that. Some Looners – and I’m sure there are many – are “poppers,” like the woman above. When they say they want to “bang” you, what they mean is that they want pop a balloon near your face. Whereas “non-poppers” want to avoid popping the balloons at all costs “due to an anthropomorphized emotional attachment to the balloon.” I imagine it’s like that French movie The Red Balloon, only really f***ing sexy?!

A search on YouTube for “balloon fetish” reveals many probably NSFW clips, but this one is particularly illustrative:

Frankly, I don’t care what kind of sex people have – I say, “the kookier the better!” I can’t wait until I discover another crazy fetish, and find that I’m somehow surprised by its existence.

Geoffrey Golden is the writer of the book Snarkicide, about a sad-sack horror fan who is blogged to death. Get it on Amazon for 99 cents… if you dare! Header image via balloon-fetish.org.