The FBI announced this week that they are forming an elite “Technical Dive Team” for the express purpose of hunting terrorism underseas. That’s right, you heard me… I said underseas. Starting next year, ten lucky G-Men will be trading in their black suits and sunglasses for scuba suits and old fashioned steel diving helmets. But what exactly are they hoping to find down there?
Let’s take a look at a few hot targets from the FBI’s new and improved Most Wanted List (undersea edition):
Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) from Point Break:
The Bureau’s single most sought after (and probably only) bank robber/surfer/Ronald Reagan impressionist hyphenate… or what I like to call “The Ultimate Triple Threat.” He was last seen hanging ten in the middle of a fifty-year storm off the coast of Australia. But I wouldn’t hold my breath (no pun intended) in hopes of catching this guy –If Johnny Utah couldn’t get the job done, odds are the FBI won’t have much luck either. Vaya con dios, brah.
Jerry O’Connell’s dismembered “member” from Piranha 3D:
Now I’ve seen a lot of horrific cinematic moments during my time on this planet – A man’s eyeball getting gauged by needles in Takeshi Miike’s Audition, a zombiefied small intestine trying to kill a man in Peter Jackson’s Dead Alive, not to mention Kevin Costner’s accent inRobin Hood: Prince of Thieves. But nothing… NOTHING has disturbed me more than the image of Jerry O’Connell’s shlong getting ripped off, devoured and then regurgitated by man-eating fish in Pirahna 3D. It’s been over a year since I first saw it in theaters, and not a day has gone by where it hasn’t terrorized my dreams. To think that it’s still out there somewhere, floating around in the ocean, waiting for some poor, unsuspecting sap to find it. They say that Jaws made people afraid to go in the water… Well I’d take Jaws any day over stumbling across Jerry O’Connell’s half eaten fish food. For the love of god, please help me FBI – make the water safe again!
Spongebob may seem like an innocent children’s cartoon character to the untrained eye, but the truth is — he’s actually the head of the notorious and bloodthirsty “Square-Pantalones Drug Cartel.” Gustavo Fring and Walter White from Breaking Bad have nothing on this guy. He’s the biggest distributor of hallucinogens in all of Bikini Bottom… hell, maybe even all of Bikini Atoll put together! Do you know how easy it is to smuggle drugs when your entire body is literally a sponge? The man is an aquatic, narcotic kingpin! Or at least he would be if he didn’t waste the bulk of his product on himself. I mean seriously, Spongebob, this stuff is basic Drug Dealing 101 — Never use from your own supply!
Finally, numero uno on the FBI’s underwater terror watch-list list is:
Looks like the Fed’s former Public Enemy #1 is back on top, and this time he’s out for brains! Guess a sea burial wasn’t so smart after all – was it, Seal Team Six?