Michelle Bachman's clearly got it in her head that homosexuality is destroying America. But just what is homosexuality these days? The boundaries have clearly shifted in the last decade, so I made this helpful, what-if-soothing guide just for me. I mean for you.
1. DRESSING WELL
This should be obvious to everyone by now, but being a wanton slob doesn't score you badass points these days. This economic recession buried the key to stylish slackerdom deep in The Dude's jellyrolls, and maybe instead of digging for it you should try being a contributing member of society, jackass. Who knows? Nice duds and a haircut might even get you laid. With a girl, I mean.
2. GOING TO GAY CLUBS
Listen, buddy, dancing is good cardio, and let's face it: this is the only club people are actually dancing in. It's that or you go someplace where everybody's on E. Either way, you're getting groped a lot, so you might as well avoid all the dehydration and the, like, love, man. Can't dance? This is where you learn, you culturally deprived philistine. If you're really feeling adventurous, combine this with number 4. No girls there to hit on, you say? Clearly you and I are going to different gay clubs.
I don't know if you know what this is. This is when a girl bones you from the back with a strap-on dildo. But, see, it's a girl doing it. No, no, end of story. If there's no guy involved, it's not gay. No matter what. No, stop talking. It's just rubber. I know exactly who I am.
4. MAKING OUT WITH OTHER MEN
Clearly, if Katy Perry can kiss girls, like it, and not be a lesbian, the stage is set for a little experimentation and self-denial on the XY side of the spectrum. Tonsil-hockey with your bros is a brilliant way to distract yourself from your empty bank account, your complete inability to talk to women, and the fact that the marijuana dispensary down the street just got shut down for cooking meth in the back because they couldn't make their rent. Plus, you'll have something to talk about if you ever meet Katy Perry. You just never know.
5. HAVING SEX WITH OTHER MEN
I'm kidding. This definitely makes you gay. Unless your balls never touch. Then, in my expert opinion, you're clear.
Photo credit – Wenn