Horoscopes are the living embodiment of popular superstition in American culture. Their catch is that they are vague, yet bewitching in a sense that you might be able to see your own future. And who wouldn’t want that? As we all know, the possibility of knowing the future can provide one with untold riches via sports almanacs.
But, it’s time that a horoscope is tailored more directly to you! A horoscope for the sci-fi-reading, comic book-loving, tech-saavy, video game-playing masses. We here at CraveOnline have traded our Ultimate X-Men back issues, for ancient texts, and our Batman: Cataclysm for the blood of a goat. We here at CraveOnline can now see into your future.
Take a look and see what’s in store for you.
Aries — March 21st – April 19st
This month, beware the theme song to Castlevania at all costs. You are nice to strangers, but unusually cold to friends and family – keep this up, as you will benefit from it in the days to come. If you find yourself debating the Arhkam City purchase, you have already betrayed yourself. You magical number is 7.
Taurus — April 20th – May 20th
If you cannot check your online checking account balance without crying, practice some humility as your plans to purchase Yo La Tengo tickets will test your resolve. Embrace the idea of sleeping next to reptiles as they may teach skills you may need. You magical color is chartreuse.
Gemini — May 21st – June 20th
You breathe calmly and deeply when you achieve a kill streak. Use your XP points wisely, as some your true nature will be tested by GreenLantFan1 later on this month. Also, be nice to homeless people the next couple days. Your magical letter is “K.”
Cancer — June 21st – July 21st
Your brash and abrasive attitude will only get you farther in life. Keep it up. If you find that you are receiving less and less phone calls for an gathering of friends to ironically watch Dune, don’t fret. It will pay off in the long run. Your magical scent is indigo.
Leo — July 22nd – August 22nd
It is your lucky month. But don't get cocky. Remember to lock all doors when you view pornography as watchful eyes are upon you. Also, you’ll only be hurting yourself if you get that LEGO kit of the Slave 1. You magical shirt is turtleneck.
Virgo — August 23rd – September 22nd
This month, be careful of using the word “obtuse” and “hitherto” as they make you look smarmy. Your reluctance to delete 10 Things I Hate About You from your Facebook favorite movies is costing you love. Delete it. Your magical chicken part is the breast.
Libra — September 23rd – October 22th
That pretty lady you’ve been thinking about asking out for a while is expecting it, but be careful, John in accounting thinks she has a penis. Your magical taste bud is sour.
Scorpio — October 23rd – November 21st
Your Halloween costume will be the hit of the party. However it will only be the hit of the party to your two friends who truly understand the importance of getting Orson Scott Card’s glasses “just right.” Your magical car is Honda.
Sagittarius — November 22nd – December 21st
That bootleg trailer of The Dark Knight Rises will win you friends but lose you legal battles. The choice is yours. Be wary of people taller than seven feet and shorter than four. Your magical Van-Damme is Street Fighter.
Capricorn — December 22nd – January 20th
Drinking in excess will insure unnecessary downloads to your iTunes. You have no one to blame but yourself when you wake one morning and find “Blink 182’s Greatest Hits.” Also, playing X-Box Kinnect does not count as exercise. Your fish is the trout.
Aquarius — January 21st – February 19th
It was your own fault for sharing cod pieces during the Ren Fair. That rash will not go away until you use that cream. You are confident this month, but not confident enough to get that tattoo of mega-man on your ass. Your magical karate is Jujitsu.
Pisces — February 20th – March 20th
Only eat shellfish after dark if you’re watching Mr. Belvidere. No matter what people tell you, “Spawn” is not coming back in a “big, bad way.” You will find out vampires are real, and you will accidently put Alan Rickman in a wheelchair. Your magical president is Eisenhower.
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