Every Friday you will join me in Bar Fiction, a magical place where the rich, famous and/or beautiful come to drown their sorrows after a long week spent in the spotlight. This week we’re joined by the world’s hottest pointless celebrity, Kim Kardashian.
You: Woah – hot chick, 4 o’clock.
Me: What, where?
You: To your left you idiot!
Me: But you said 4 o’clock!
You: Well, it’s 4:02 to be precise.
You: Wait, is that Kim Kardashian?
Me: Last week we watched Meet the Parents and you asked me who “that old dude arguing with Ben Stiller” was, yet you know who Kim Kardashian is?
You: Look, Kim Kardashian is in the news a lot more than your precious Robert Downey Jr.
Me: Robert De Niro…
You: Whatever. Maybe if he had a nicer ass he’d be more famous.
Me: He already is pretty famous. In fact, he’s largely regarded as the greatest actor in the world.
You: Yeah but when was the last time you saw him on the front cover of a magazine?
Me: I think Kim Kardashian getting more magazine covers than Robert De Niro says a lot more about the media than it does De Niro.
You: I think it says a lot more about the size of Kim Kardashian’s ass. Have you seen the size of that thing? It’s literally eating the bar stool she’s sitting on.
Me: Don’t you find it a little disturbing that today’s society can heap riches on someone for no reason other than their ample posterior?
You: Why would I find that disturbing? I find it more disturbing that you refer to a girl’s ass as an “ample posterior”. I’d also find it more disturbing if society heaped riches on ugly people. Urgh. What are ugly people useful for, really?
Me: Most of history’s greatest thinkers have been what you would call unattractive.
You: Look, my motto is this: “If you can’t masturbate over it, it isn’t worth it”. Sure, the ugmo’s may have come up with a few good ideas in their time, but no matter how many intelligent thoughts they have I’m still not gonna be putting my hand down my trousers.
Me: How insightful of you.
You: It’s like when you tell a girl that you’re first drawn to them because of their personality; you’re not, you’re drawn to them because of their slightly slutty dress – if they can talk without dribbling then that’s just an added bonus. A hot genius would get a lot further in life than a butt-ugly one.
You: I’m just saying that if Van Gogh was a girl with a nice pair of legs and a set of double-D’s, she’d definitely have kept her ear.
Me: I think that when a person isn’t considered aesthetically pleasing, 21st century society dictates that they aren’t going to receive as easy of a ride as someone who is considered attractive. But on the other hand, the easy ride that those attractive people receive will mean that they won’t have to work as hard, meaning that they won’t necessarily have to mentally develop themselves as much as those “ugmo’s” you speak of.
You: …Have you seen her sex tape?
You: Don’t worry; you’re not missing out on much. It’s shit.
Me: Good to know.
You: Jesus Christ, who is that?!
You: That 20-foot guy who’s just walked in and sat next to her!
Me: Oh, I think that’s her husband. They recently got married. A lot of people were excited about it, for some reason.
You: F*** me, he’s huge! Why aren’t the Asians in here running away from him?!
Me: Slightly racist…
You: Everyone knows that short girls shouldn’t go out with tall guys, especially when their boobs and ass are as big as hers. I feel like I’m viewing her in widescreen.
Me: So now you’re calling her fat?
You: No, I’m not calling her fat. I’m just saying she could do with someone who could compliment her a little better.
Me: So who do you think could compliment her better?
You: Me, of course. But I think I might be a little too big for her, too.
Me: Too big? You’re only 5”8, 5”9 at maximum.
You: I’m not talking about height, my friend! Nudge nudge, wink wink!
Me: Oh. I see.
You: I’m talking about my large penis.
Me: I know.
Photo Credit: WENN.com