If Twilight Was For Guys

Honestly, I don't know that there's anything they could do to make Twilight great for guys. 

Nash Herringtonby Nash Herrington

Apparently the new Twilight film comes out soon. Exciting, huh? I’ve heard that this is the one where Edward finally gets his end away after 100-years of waiting, although if you’d been waiting a century to lose your V-plates I can imagine that Bella Swan would only be a disappointment. Imagine it, you piston-thrusting away whilst she was visibly distracted by her own depressing inner monologue; “Edward mounted me today. I knew that my body should have ached for him, but all I could do was lie on my back and stare bleakly at the rain falling outside my bedroom window. The weather was really shit.”

But even though we cynics may complain about Twilight and its overwhelming effect on the female population, have we stopped to consider the overwhelming amount of tripe that graces our cinema screens desperately trying to grab the attention of the “horny male” demographic? Sure, glittering vampires and shirtless werewolves may seem a bit OTT, but after a few moments spent in deep thought I still can’t think of a film I’ve watched in the past 3-4 months that hasn’t involved partially exposed tits at some point.

Perhaps that says more about me than it does Hollywood, but either way it has made me reconsider my negative attitude towards Stephanie Meyer’s mediocre literary skills (sorry, force of habit), and question whether or not the series would in any way benefit from a male-oriented overhaul.

The short answer? No. The long answer? Read on to find out…

 

Bella Swan

The series protagonist is portrayed as a neurotic, self-loathing and self-destructive teenager. This, as we’ve been told, is meant to be an accurate representation of the average young female American. If this is true then that is absolutely terrifying, and my sincere condolences go out to each and every one of CraveOnline’s female readers.

If Bella Swan was concocted in the mind of a male, however, she wouldn’t have fared much better as a character. Rather than the dreary setting of Forks, Washington being an ideal backdrop for her morose personality, it would instead be an ideal opportunity to dress her up in a tight white t-shirt and frequently cover her in heavy downpours of rain. By the end of the series Kristen Stewart would’ve became both a sex symbol for permanently erect adolescents, but would have also developed a severe case of pneumonia.

Swings and roundabouts, I suppose.

 

The Vampires

If John Woo, David Fincher, Quentin Tarantino and Clint Eastwood met up at Starbucks to discuss how to make vampires manly again, they still couldn’t do it. No matter how much effort they put into ridding the world of the memory of Robert Pattinson’s Christmas decoration sparkle, they’d still never be able to resurrect the terror of Christopher Lee’s Dracula, not while True Blood is still airing.

So why not just get rid vampires in Twilight altogether? Replace them with evil giant alien dragons sent from the outer-rim of the planet Zoo. Fire-breathing giant alien dragons. Make the werewolves bigger, too. In fact, get rid of the werewolves and replace them with a giant ape and just make a remake of Godzilla vs. King Kong. In 3D. Everybody loves 3D remakes, right?

 

The Werewolves

Unlike vampires, werewolves have managed to survive the Twilight series whilst somehow retaining a degree of credibility. Maybe it’s because they haven’t been bled dry (pun awkwardly intended) like the bloodsuckers, or maybe it’s because Jacob was the only character even remotely close to being relatable; whatever the reason, werewolves are still cool and deserve to be treated with a modicum of respect.

This means only one thing: get rid of Taylor Lautner. We men like our action heroes to look like tough and grizzled stone-cold killers. Taylor Lautner looks like a 14-year-old has photoshopped his face onto the body of a Men’s Health cover model.