Things are tough all over, what with Wall Street being occupied and people marching in the streets of towns to express their right to financial stability. How much longer can it be, comrades, before the voices of the people are marching through our cinemas, demanding fair pricing on Red Vines and Diet Dr. Pepper?! With the new spin on 3-D taking a nose-dive in long-term numbers and Internet piracy at an all-time high,Tinseltown executives sporting monocles are scratching their heads and grumbling in old-timey accents, “Confound it! Why can’t we dupe these rubes into watching our talkies anymore?”
As they have recently discovered, it was simply a matter of marketing. Nefarious marketing.
A conspiracy has been hatched by these film corporations to dupe grammatically-challenged folks the world over — and I’d like to take this chance to blow the lid off of the new economic warfare that is Movie Poster Misdirection.
The images you are about to see may disturb you, but are presented here for the first time in their unaltered state to reveal the depths to which film companies will sink just to get your patronage.
Pitt Money Ball
Since the actual Moneyball was only able to bring in a paltry 58 million dollars in the domestic box office, the folks at Sony decided that the Asian markets would require some kind of video game approach to the entire property. Pushing the film as a one-on-one gladiatorial bloodbath in an underground arena for cash and prizes seemed like the only logical choice. While the gamble paid off — Pitt Moneyball raked in an additional 2 million dollars — Sony was stymied with a lawsuit from Kyoto pawn shop owner Kenichi Iwabuchi for “not having enough ‘fatalities’.” In public statements representatives from Sony have dismissed the case, but rumors are buzzing about the company whipping up a “deleted scene” that features fat Jonah Hill getting his fat head ripped off until blood and fat splurt out.
Scream 4 Cox
“This is an outrage,” lamented Omaha moviegoer Wilfredo Ramos, “why would I bother sneaking lube in my raincoat to a stupid horror film?” This has been the universal outcry from filmmakers and fans of the porn industry alike on the failure of Scream 4 Cox to make good on its promise of phalluses going into mouths crying out for help. It has been reported that over 17% of adult video stores ordered the title on accident and will now have to attempt to blend it with their legitimate films like Poison Ivy and Caligula. When reached for comment, Wes Craven seemed disappointed and stared at us for a long time until we left.
Emma Stone the Help
Dreamworks doesn’t have quite the clout you’d expect in Baghdad. It’s getting harder than ever for residents to be able to find some kind of film in which a person is killed by rocks. Locals left advance screenings confused and mystified by the heartwarming tale of a girl who exposed the racist habits of her white community in the 1960’s. “I didn’t see anybody get killed by getting a rock thrown at their head,” gushed local Mahmoud Al-Jazan, “but it touched me when that girl helped her servants through the power of her writing. Also, it would please me greatly if they could execute a woman with stones in the sequel.”
Ryan Gosling Drive
Hot on the heels of the craptacular soap opera Coronation Street, British marketing gurus for Odd Lot Entertainment decided that the slow drama would fare better if they pushed it on tweedy tweens. Interns plastered fliers bearing the slogan “Where Virginities Get Lost!” all over Picadilly Station, but the cheeky adverts sparked a petition campaign from the 6th District Picadilly PTA that was quickly covered up with Odd Lot hush money and potpourri. The company has since abandoned a cross-promotional “hot map” campaign with RCA Records that was slated to proclaim that “Ryan Gosling Drive runs all the way to Justin Timber Lake. Slippery when wet.”
One can only imagine how rewarding these films could be if only their visual representations matched the actual product they promoted. Stop getting bamboozled by faulty porn and street names! Call your Congress man or lady today and demand that Hollywood hucksters use modern techniques like spacing and a variety of fonts in their posters to ensure that perverts and tweens the world over are no longer mislead!
Lee Keeler is the co-founder of ClassyHands.com and contributing writer for The Devastator Quarterly, “The Quarterly Comedy Magazine for Humans”.