Nothing like ringing in the New Year by raising your glass to some of the dumber things they’ve done in the last few months.
I feel better about myself, my life choices and my childhood already…
10. Bradley Cooper/Ryan Gosling DRAMA
People Magazine's Sexiest Man of 2011 Extravaganza of BS. Bradley Cooper or Ryan Gosling. One of these fools had to win and in the end it was the Coopster. The world should've taken the news bravely, but didn't. Instead Gosling fans went craphouse-rat crazy, demanding the Gosling be given the title.
Good God. I feel like I’m dealing with two catty sorority sisters or one of the brats on MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen. Who gives a flying crap which one of them is hotter? They both walk around with permanent smirks like they're God's gift to movie-goers, anyway. How’s this for an answer –most women would still probably choose Clooney over the both of them, so shut it.
#9. Brad Pitt Calls Jennifer Aniston "Boring" (essentially)
In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, Brad Pitt seemed to think it would be wise to imply that Jennifer Aniston, (the woman he kicked to the curb for Angelina Jolie), was boring and unfulfiling.
Listen, he left her for a younger, hotter (c’mon) woman. Now, years later, he thinks it would be a good idea to say, in regards to this woman who he kicked to the curb (who is still unmarried and childless) “… It became very clear to me that I was intent on trying to find a movie about an interesting life, but I wasn’t living an interesting life myself. I think that my marriage [to actress Jennifer Aniston] had something to do with it. Trying to pretend the marriage was something that it wasn’t." Nice.
8. Donald Trump Won't Let Us Forget that He's Still a Tool
Barack Obama, show us your birth certificate, bellowed Donald Trump. Why? Because I'm a bigot and I lack class. Now he's not willing to say he won't run for president himself. Oh great.
For those of us who thought he was mellowing with age, think again. Demanding to the see the birth certificate of the leader of the free world? Sounds fair, sounds fair. The question remains, why didn't Obama demand to that Trump show everyone the little seam of his toupee, nice and up close? Why didn't a few CIA agents dig up some old girlfriends of Trump and toss them inexplicably and mysteriously to the forefront of the viral community, just so they could go on record saying, "As you can imagine, from the waist down he looks more like a second grader." All is fair in the game of humilaition and the Obama administration should've countered the demands of the Trumpster with more piss and vinegar.
#7. Kim Kardashian Shows the World She Can't Keep Up the Facade
72 days of marriage is actually a really long time.. if you're a spoiled reality TV princess of big buttness and 12 inch eyelashes. Right?
I think all married couples should sue her for bastardizing and making a mockery of what many consider a sacred union and institution. Other people might want to give her an award for the lamest, most overhyped and overdone wedding in a damn long time. I think the marriage ended because someone told her she wouldn't be able to shake her cookies at anything with an 11-inch schlong anymore, and that rattled her sense of identity. The American public can also be mad at her for robbing us of the entertainment of the scandal that no doubt would have ensued if she had stayed married and inevitably indulged in a ton of affairs.
#6. Lohan Works at a Morgue
Sentenced to 120 hours at the LA County Morgue. Justice has a sense of humor! The amount of time actually worked is yet to be released.
Yes, Lindsay Lohan's lawyer (who should actually be called the lawyer of miracle workers), managed to keep her out of jail, regardless of all the probation, in rehab, out of rehab, scheduled for community service, no-show to community service extravaganza of crap and a ride on the merry-go-round. Will she continue to walk the straight-and-narrow? Can any of us bear to even consider the question? Who wants to get off the merry-go-round of BS? How can it be possible that there is no footage of Lohan morguing it up? I'm disappointed in what used to appear to be a persistent and psychopathic group of paparazzi.
#5. Chris Brown Shows the World He's Still a Classy Guy
For those of you who missed it, Chris brown was interviewed on Good Morning America, didn’t like the questions about his “past” (ie, how he f**ked up Rihanna’s face) and threw a cooler and broke a window once he was off stage.
As a grand finale, Brown went on BET's show 106 and Park the next day (in glasses, btw, no doubt placed on his face by a wearied publicist who thought that making him seem more like a nerd would make him seem like less of an a-hole). There he RAMBLED about how he was just letting off steam and didn't hurt anyone. The hosts, ps, looked VERY uncomfortable. I think that's just AWESOME. I know I'm looking forward to his inevitable prison sentence for doing something crazy and violent in the near future. Nice work, Mr. Meltdown.
#4. James Franco and Anne Hathaway "Host" the Oscars
Cross-dressing. "Jokes" delivered woodenly. A sugary-unfunny musical number about an un-nominated actor. Thank you Franco and Hathaway.
Like I’ve said, Anne at least gave it a shot. Sure, she’s proven she is NO host and should not be held responsible for jokes, punchlines or charismatically moving a show forward, but heck, at least she wasn’t the corpse on wheels that was James Franco. Yikes. I think even his mother was embarrassed. He managed to convince me that he was both a talentless schmuck AND an a-hole-prick just by STANDING. Yes. Think about that. That's a pretty spectacular acheivement. Because that's the extent of what his "hosting" involved. He stood.
#3. Ashton Kutcher Has an Affair with Some Random Chick
Her name was Sara Leal. 22 years old. Got naked with Ashton Kutcher in a hot tub. Had unprotected sex and no problem talking to the tabloids about it.
Yikes. You would think that if you were A plus K, you’d either shake your cookies at another A-lister or hire a discreet, high class call girl, for a keep-it-out-of-the-tabloids booty call. Now why would you do that? Because cheating on your wife is a quick way to alienate your entire female fanbase. Sure, a couple of them will stick around, as they have delusions that someday they'll be able to shag you like what's-her-face did, but the majority of them will think you're just another dime-store-dick-head.
#2. Arnold Schwarzenegger Proves that His Morality Level Leaves Something to be Desired.
Mildred Patricia Baena was maid to the Terminator for around 20 years. During that time, Arnold apparently thought it was okay to shag her several times a day, and heck, father a child of passion with her.
Do I really need to convince anyone that I’m right? Fathering a love child with his live-in maid? There's something really creepy about this as it implies a total absence of conscience and ethics. This is particularly disturbing as he was essentially the GOD of California for a while. Someone needs to investigate into this man's desk drawers, medicine cabinets and closet. Why? Because here’s what’s really freaky—just picture all the stuff we don’t hear about… yep.
#1. Charlie Sheen
The drug sprees. The goddesses. The nonsensical jibber-jabber. Oh we admit we might have liked some of that. Still Sheen was 2011's posterboy for crazy. That's not an easy title to get.
Once an actor, respected by his peers. Now a walking-talking suicide mission and cautionary tale. Tiger blood. Bi-winning. Mania times a billion. Does anyone remember the time when lots of level-headed women wanted to shag him? Like back in the eighties after he had done Wall Street? Damn, those days are over. Now the only women who want to get on his junk have serious daddy issues, live in caves without televisions or Internet access, or think that an eight-ball, orange juice and a blow job make for a great first date. Thanks for the memories, Charlie, my boy.