Note: Everything in this article has been taken straight from the mouths of various North Korean media outlets and Kim Jong-il campaigners. We haven’t made up a single bit of it. Not even the bit about the blood.
Today we mourn the loss of Kim Jong-il, a handsome and deceptively tall man who was known and loved throughout North Korea for his exceptional leadership skills, his defending of his country from evil US Imperialists and his ability to create lightning using the power of his voice.
In the wake of his passing I feel that this is the perfect opportunity to inform the ignorant of The Great Leader’s myriad achievements that he made during his lifetime. Here are his greatest accomplishments.
He Invented Hamburgers!
Think you Westerners invented the hamburger? Pah! The only things you’ve invented are “pop music” and democracy. Kim Jong-il was the man responsible for conjuring up the brilliant idea of putting meat between two slices of bread. He then constructed a plant (possibly with his bare hands) in order to mass produce the burgers to feed his University students, meaning that less of his citizens died of starvation that day! Probably.
He is the World’s Best Golfer!
Did you know that Kim Jong-il once shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course, including five holes in one? That’s 25 shots better than the best round in history and – get this – it was his FIRST EVER GAME.
He is a Global Fashion Icon!
Wondering what to wear next season? Why not just opt for the classic khaki tunics and oversized sunglasses – that’s what everyone else is doing! Yes, when not regularly sinking 4 holes in one on the golf course, Kim Jong-il is setting tongues wagging throughout the fashion industry with his trademark look.
When He Was Born, A Double Rainbow Appeared!
A man as Godly as Kim Jong-il isn’t born in the same way that us puny commoners are, oh no. The Great Leader was born on Korea’s sacred Mount Baekdu, with his birth being greeted by a bright star lighting up the sky, a double rainbow sprouting from the trees and the seasons changing from Winter to Spring. On his birthday this year trees blossomed nine days earlier and a solar halo appeared above one of the mountains peaks. It’s this kind of information that just makes you want to visit North Korea, right? Well if you ever get the chance to make sure that you don’t bring any recording equipment or cell phones, because we’ll arrest you if you do! Ha Ha! But seriously, don’t bring anything.
He Knows How to Throw a Campaign!
The great thing about communism is that instead of the grovelling campaign advertisements you usually get on TV before an election, you instead get fun songs telling you why your leader’s so great and reminding you why democracy is such a waste of time when you’ve got a ruler who can literally create thunderstorms by shouting.
How Did He Stay Looking So Young? The Blood of Virgins, of course!
Ever wonder how The Great Leader maintained such a youthful appearance? Not that you should even need to ask, but the mighty Kim Jong-il practised the time-honoured tradition of injecting himself with the blood of virgins.
He Was a Man Who Knew What He Liked
Kim Jong-il didn’t degrade himself by eating the paltry portions served to his citizens (only 2million died of famine this year!). Food would be sent to him via special couriers from all over the world, and would then be inspected by his female servants to ensure that it was cooked to his satisfaction. They would even check that each grain of rice was cooked perfectly! Anything for their dear, noble, kind leader!
He Built a City Just For Us To Look At!
Most would think that cities are to be lived in, but Kim Jong-il understood the value of appearance and so created the city of Kijong-Dong solely for the purpose of being looked at! The city even has lights which function on timers (a lot of North Korea doesn’t share the luxury of electricity, but they don’t mind as it’s important to promote a good image of the country!), street cleaners and the World’s Largest Flagpole, flying the North Korean flag World’s Largest Flagpole, flying a 300lb North Korean flag!
Photo Credit: ASSOCIATED PRESS