A couple of weeks ago I made clear my sadly unrequited love for Imogen Thomas. I said that the Welsh lassie was so beautiful that God must've had his erection tucked into his waistband whilst making her. Now I'm an atheist, but such is the power of Imogen's boundless gorgeousness that I began to question the theory of evolution, as surely only a higher being could create breasts so perfectly spherical. Honestly, it looks like she's smuggling two globes underneath her shirt.
But enough about Imogen; let's talk about Pixie Lott. Miss Lott is in the news today (as she should be every day) because of an interview she did in the February edition of women's magazine Cosmopolitan in which she said that she'd "like to be a princess" and that her Mom would "quite like [her] to get together with Prince Harry". Now I can safely assume that this was just a flippant comment she made that has been blown out of proportion but OMG Y WUD SHE WANA DATE THAT GINGER TWAT?!
Aside from being the kind of liberal bore who spent the duration of the royal wedding sitting on Facebook and complaining about it, I actually have nothing against Prince Harry. He seems like a decent bloke. I laughed just like the rest of you when he turned up to that fancy dress party dressed as a Nazi. But what I will not tolerate is a woman as effervescent as Pixie Lott deeming him even remotely attractive.
I'm sure some girls would call him "fit in that he's ugly but he's got a lot of money and shagging him would turn me into a princess kind of way", but those girls aren't Pixie Lott. You're way too good for him, Pixie, with your eyes so bright and wide like sexy dinner plates and your skin so white and glistening like sexy milk. It's apt that your name is Pixie, because you've certainly sprinkled your magic dust… all over my heart.
Far be it for me to say that Harry and the rest of his family should get jobs (I hear TopShop are hiring) and start doing something other than waving and appearing on the front of The Sun every time they so much as pass wind, but considering we're in the middle of this debt crisis I firmly believe that it is the duty of attractive young popstars such as Miss Lott to start bonking some of us who actually work for a living.
Take Lily Allen for example; hugely successful pop singer, attractive (although she does have the permanently wide-eyed expression of a Labrador that has just sniffed its own fart), yet has just had a baby with husband Sam Cooper. His profession? Builder. Imagine that. One of the most popular solo singers of her generation, shagging a bloke whose profession practically requires him to spend most of his weekdays with his arsecrack out. This is the kind of public service that should be made mandatory.
So if you're reading this Pixie, I think me and you could really share something special. Sure, a wedding with me wouldn't command the billions of viewers that a wedding with Harry would, nor would I be able to financially support you in any capacity, but hey, at least I have a soul.
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